Lebanon and the Apocalypse

Many people believe the current conflict in Lebanon is a sign of the apocalypse and the beginning of world-wide armageddon. There is great and heated discussion amongst various "raptuready" web forums about the imminence of the second coming. I have some bad news for those of you already packing your spiritual bags -- the rapture will not happen in the near future. Indeed, while the Book of Revelations is useful source material for eschatological analysis, it is not nearly as reliable as the Norse discussion of Ragnarok and tends to produce premature estimations of the end of times, making you look not unlike a teenager on prom-night. But even outside of my extensive occult knowledge, I can produce evidence based on recent history that this is not the end of times. After the 1982 invasion of Lebanon by Israel, Southern Lebanon was occupied by the Israeli army for EIGHTEEN FREAKING YEARS. The number of those years during which Our Lord and Saviour returned was none. What's more, during this entire period no one in the United States gave two shits about what was going on.

So, to all those who have arrived in my reality-based corner of the blogosphere I will make you something of a bet. Pick a date, any date, on which you believe the rapture will occur and mail me a post-dated cheque for the amount of your expected bank balance on that date. You certainly won't need to pay once you've been picked up by your Lord and Saviour in his ultra-massive super-hummer. Jesus Christ doesn't go dutch with anybody.

Please make cheques payable to: Col. Matteus Von Mustard Esq.
And mail them to me at the following address:
1 King West -- Invisible Super-Penthouse, Observatory and Zepellin Port
Toronto Ontario
Canada

In the case that the rapture should occur at any time during the next year, I hereby swear to donate 66.6% of my not inconsiderable personal fortune to establish an International Academy of Intelligent Design.

And, for my more reasonable and good-humoured readers, I leave you with some interesting tidbits from the American Media, both webby and non-webby:

Fox News, in an effort to pander to US evangelicals without slipping into the journalistic equivalent of reporting stories word-for-word from The Brothers' Grimm, have started referring to the current conflict as World War III. You can take a look at Stephen Colbert's take on their reporting here. Thanks to the wonderful folks at Crooks and Liars.

On RaptureAlert.com we discover the little known fact that apparently the EU is the Roman Empire.

"The European Union, the revived Roman Empire, is alive today and moving steadily toward the fulfillment of this prophecy as seen in Daniel 7: 23: "The fourth beast shall be the fourth kingdom upon earth, which shall be diverse from all kingdoms, and shall devour the whole earth, and shall tread it down, and break it in pieces." The Antichrist who will lead this world government (after the rapture of the Christian Church takes place) will be a leader from the European Union as seen in Daniel 9:26. He will be of the people who destroyed the city of Jerusalem and its sanctuary in AD 70, the Romans."

Ghetto Tax

Money Mart. "Rent-to-Own." Higher Insurance Premiums. Worse Interest Rates. These are just a few of the ways that the poor get to pay MORE for the same goods and services that the middle class can obtain at lower prices.

The New York Times is reporting on a recent study performed in the United States showing that "poor urban residents frequently pay hundreds if not thousands of dollars a year in extra costs for everyday necessities."

I have suggested before that there are various flaws in capitalism, but this is totally fucked up. In general, there is not as much money to be made in poor neighborhoods, so the businesses that do open up there charge a huge premium for the risk they are taking.

There used to be people who opened businesses in these neighborhoods because they lived there. There used to be businesses that weren't myopically focussed on seizing a good return for shareholders. That is no longer true. Even in Toronto, there have been articles in the Toronto Star about the migration of banks out of poorer neighborhoods. If you can't open a bank account near your house and you don't drive a car, chances are you're going to have trouble getting your finances in order. If there's no grocery store near you, your going to be more tempted to buy that $18 box of cereal at 7-11.

It should be easier to get by if you are poor not harder. Investors need to start investing there money in things they can be proud of that might return 8% a year instead of 11%, rather than giving their money to slimy creeps like the folks at money mart.

And lo, when I blow my conch, all shall tremble!

What revelry! What jubilation! What jamborification! I thank the wondrousful folks at newmindspace for their portentous party Flight of Fancy last Friday! I also thank "Johnny Bender" for capturing my startlingly handsome profile! He was taking great risk, for even inanimate objects often fall in love with me. Many a camera has refused to record anyone else after seeing me but once.

Such fun was had by all and sundry!

And one for the road, snapped by Codex Lagman