Snippet of Hope #1

I thought perhaps my weak and timid readers might be beleagured by the weekly bombardments of ill tidings which I bring down upon them like great verbal salvos. In order to keep my readership from becoming to depressed I have decided to occasionally lighten things up with eloquent statements of hope.

After discussing the absolute destructiveness of war in the ancient world Lewis Mumford observes:

"Yet again and again the positive forces of co-operation and sentimental communion have brought people back to the devastated urban sites, "to repair the wasted cities, the desolation of many generations." Ironically -- yet consolingly -- cities have repeatedly outlived the military empires that seemingly destroyed them forever. Damascus, Baghdad, Jerusalem, Athens, still stand on the sites they originally occupied, alive though little more than fragments of their ancient foundations remain in view."

-- Lewis Mumford. The History of the City. Harcourt; New York, 1961.

Mind you, he goes on to observe that this process of repopulation has been historically fueled by migrations of rural youth into the razed metropoli of the past. But considering that by 2030 more than 60% of the world's population will live in urban areas and also considering that the next time we raze our cities to the ground it's going to be nuclear, it becomes abundantly clear that we will probably be the generation that utterly eradicates our seemingly invincible, phoenix-like ancient cities once and for all.

Oh my! I'm so bad at good news. Well, let us at least raise a toast to Lewis Mumford and his childish faith in our continued existence.

A Friendly Roast from an Old School Chum

NO Signs of the Apocalypse today, Instead, I recently received a delightful and humourously FICTIONAL missive from my old chum Vice-Chancellor Leopold Salloum who has taken up a humorous and FICTIONAL alter-ego for this epistle. We are old friends from school and firmed up our friendship sailing out of the Royal Yacht Cub in Hong Kong, engaging in friendly one-upmanship to see who could sink the most Indonesian Pirates in a month without the aid of any military equipment, using only our trusty racing schooners, pen-knives, and good old-fashioned ingenuity.

But that aside, I realized that were this epistle to fall into the wrong hands -- ie the hands of someone who felt that it might be factual -- it would be potentially damaging and slanderous. To prove to one and all that it is merely FICTION and has no basis in reality I shall post it here on my website for the world to see. Notice how he makes a subtle jibe at my German heritage, which, instead of concealing, I have proudly embraced. Clearly this is a JEST.

What do you think of that Leopold?

I know what you think, you think "What a good use of my ENTIRELY FICTIONAL and GOOD-NATURED roast."

It is actually addressed to my official but occasional editor Matthew Lie - Paehlke, so keep that in mind to avoid confusion. I imagine the havoc this email played in Lie-Paehlke's mind until I calmed him down over a cup of heavily soporific tea.

________________________________________________________

Sir,

You tell that bastard Mustard that I'm tired of him taunting me through his vast army of indistinguishable lackeys! Mustard, that globe-trotting criminal and reprobate, is perfectly aware that the Chinese government has put an internet block on his site, and that I can't read the missive that you've contacted me about. Whatever kind of game he's playing, I'm tired of it.

The colonel has a long history of conflict with the Chinese authorities. If he thinks his days as an opium-smuggler have been forgotten, he should think again. What's more, I had a cup of tea with the local governor here, wherein the damnable Mustard's name came up. You tell the "honourable" Col. Von Mustard that the rickshaw driver that he beat nearly to death is now the cousin of a regional Mandarin.

Tell your bastard Colonel that that's another score that I'm keepingtrack of. When I finally track him down, it's another score that I will, by god, settle.

Oh yes, it's all true. I can understand that you'd be surprised, but these few things are just the tip of the iceberg. The man you call Col. Matteus Von Mustard is not the cultured, British gentleman that he seems to be. I've met dozens who (no doubt like you) have been fooled by his charm, his well-tailored clothes and his devilish good looks.

I've been chasing him in three continents. In South America, the Indians speak of "El Diablo del Mustardo," who robs their holy temples. It is also rumoured that he tricked a medicine man into teaching him dark secrets hidden from civilized men. In the wild United States, he's"Black Matt Mustard," a train robber and rum-runner. Here in China they simply call him "jie Shenshang." This is a joke: "jie Shenshang" means both "Mr. Mustard" and "Mr. Scabies."

I can tell you a thousand stories about your Colonel. But the most important thing to know is that he is NOT a British gentleman. He may try to play upon your national pride, and your (creditable) deference to the upper classes. Know this, though: The "Honorable" Col. Matteus Von Mustard is a filthy German.

Knowing that you have some kind of contact with him, I would normally rush to interview you, wherever you are. Unfortunately, there won't be a steamer for another three days. By then, I'm sure the cad will have gone, leaving no traces behind except ruined women and empty bank vaults. However, if you still have any of his writings, I beg you in the name ofKing Richard to forward copies to me. As an expert investigator, I may be able to glean some new evidence as to his intensions and possibly his next destination. It was through just such a clue that I was able to track him to Bombay several years ago. If not for his seventeen Ghurkha bodyguards, I would have been able to arrest him there. In the end, I killed the Ghurkhas, but Mustard escaped in the fracas. I was able to reclaim a chest full of stolen treasures (including the crown jewels of the Pasha ofDar-es-Salaam, and the cursed amulet of Ra-Bak-Nall).

I know very little about you, but I am assuming that you are an honourable man, and have merely been duped by this arch-fiend. If you choose to help me, I will be very grateful. But if you are nothing but a hired thug in Mustard's employ, remember that I am a dangerous man with a long memory. I did not allow those Ghurkhas to stand in my way, and neither will you. I eagerly await delivery of all the missives from Col. Mustard to which you have access. Also, would you do me the favour of telling me what country you're in?

Respectfully, but with a veiled threatening mein,

Det. Leopold Alexander Potts

P.S. If you do have any further contact with Col. Von Mustard, I would be obliged if you would pass on the following message:

Do you remember that little scrap we had on the deck of the rapidly-sinking telegraph ship? The third finger from your left hand was placed, at my request, in a prison cell in London. I'll put you in jail piece-by-piece if I have to.

_________________________________________________________

Oh LEOPOLD, you'll put me in jail piece-by-piece? But why? I can assure you that I have never committed a single crime (under the Queen's Law) as all my gentle readers know full well.

This Untamed Fire of America will reach the Darkest Corners of Our World

AN APOLOGY:

Ah, dear readers, how you have missed me; Let me count the ways! But first, I shall explain.

As you know, I am a great lover of winter sports, particularly bobsled (watch out Albert Prince of Monaco -- you shan't be the fastest blueblood on the track for long!) and I have been out practicing so often that I have hardly had a second to watch televison. During these recent weeks of intensive bobsleddery I noticed this: no TV means no signs of the apocalypse. Since I realized the corelation I have had my nose glued to the boobtube -- all CNN no less. Obviously the inauguration registered highly on the portentoscope.

AN ARGUMENT:
I read in the New York Times that George Bush told his speech writers that he wanted the second inauguration speech to be "The Freedom Speech." Ha! Well what else could he talk about? The Economy? Social Justice? Education? Healthcare? No, he struck out across the board on pretty much every other possible speech topic, except perhaps Spongebob. He can't even talk about defending America anymore because 52% of Americans have finally realized that the war in Iraq was a very poor strategic decision for everyone except Haliburton.

So Freedom it was and Freedom it is. I see my intelligent international readers begin immediately to question the position. How is a man whose greatest goal in life to promote Freedom to justify a constitutional ban on Gay Marriage? Isn't that a question of freedom? Or perhaps Bush might like to look to the fact that America has the highest per capita number of prisoners of any developed country. There's a lot of people in your own backyard that need liberating Mr. Ivadey-pants! My international readers might suggest he go liberate some prisoners if he is such a freedom lover. Has he not considered the fact that desperately poor people in an obsessively consumer culture are arguably the least free people on the planet?

How does Bush address these criticisms? He doesn't. Instead he has come to the insidious, but brilliant, realization that to Americans today "Freedom" basically just means "America." I am suspicious that no one in America has spent more than three consecutive seconds considering what 'freedom' is at any point in the past ten years. It is a very complicated concept and since it has been left utterly untouched by critical contemplation, the signifier developed a semantic vacuum in the place of the signified. It began to suck desperately for a meaning, and through the power of vacuum-based metonomy, Freedom has come to mean America.

Don't believe me? Take a look at these example. Offended by France? Wish there were someway to call them America Fries without losing the delightful alliteration? Freedom Fries to the Rescue. Braveheart, the epic Scottish film which was so inexplicably popular was just a bunch of guys in skirts yelling "FRRREEEEEDDOOOMMMM" at the top of their lungs. It was so popular because to the ear of a native speaker of American they were yelling "AAAMMMMMEEERRRRIICCCCAAA" and Americans love nothing more than singing, shouting and painting America.

After that virtuoso display of obfuscatorial gymnastics, you can no longer doubt me and I shall proceed.


AN ANALYSIS:
To everyone but Americans, the latest inaugural address seems so replete with irony as to be comical. We cannot understand how this chimp of a man was re-elected. However, what we fail to understand is that George Bush's speeches are not delivered in the Queen's English -- far from it. To translate the inaugural speech into the English used in the rest of the world (including England) simply replace the words "Freedom" "Free" and "Liberty" with "America" "American" and "America." Let's try a few examples.

First an easy one:
"For a half a century, America defended our own freedom by standing watch on distant borders." becomes:
"For a half a century, America defended our own America by standing watch on distant borders."

And now this:
"We are led, by events and common sense, to one conclusion: The survival of liberty in our land increasingly depends on the success of liberty in other lands." becomes:
We are led, by events and common sense, to one conclusion: The survival of America in our land increasingly depends on the success of America in other lands.

Sometimes the translations sound as natural as the speech of a native speaker:
We felt the unity and fellowship of our nation when freedom came under attack. becomes:
We felt the unity and fellowship of our nation when America came under attack.

Similarly natural sounding:
We go forward with complete confidence in the eventual triumph of freedom. becomes:
We go forward with complete confidence in the eventual triumph of America.

Now that you have mastered the basics of Speaking American, a slightly more complicated translation (Notice how much more honest he sounds after his words have been translated into regular English):
"America's influence is not unlimited, but fortunately for the oppressed, America's influence is considerable, and we will use it confidently in freedom's cause."
becomes:
America's influence is not unlimited, but fortunately for the oppressed, America's influence is considerable, and we will use it confidently in America's cause.

An explanation of why America is exempt from the Geneva convention can be found in the following translated insight:
"We will persistently clarify the choice before every ruler and every nation: The moral choice between oppression, which is always wrong, and freedom, which is eternally right."
becomes:
We will persistently clarify the choice before every ruler and every nation: The moral choice between oppression, which is always wrong, and America, which is eternally right.

A veiled threat from George to those who would question America:
"Some, I know, have questioned the global appeal of liberty though this time in history, four decades defined by the swiftest advance of freedom ever seen, is an odd time for doubt. "
becomes:
Some, I know, have questioned the global appeal of America though this time in history, four decades defined by the swiftest advance of America ever seen, is an odd time for doubt.

And finally a more difficult translation for the advanced students to consider:
America has need of idealism and courage, because we have essential work at home, the unfinished work of American freedom. In a world moving toward liberty, we are determined to show the meaning and promise of liberty.
becomes:
America has need of idealism and courage, because we have essential work at home, the unfinished work of American America. In a world moving toward America, we are determined to show the meaning and promise of America.


Remember those doubts we raised earlier? Well look how ridiculous they look after translation:
"There is a contradiction between a ban on gay marriage and the advancement of freedom."
becomes:
"There is a contradiction between a ban on gay marriage and the advancement of America."

Doesn't seem so irrational now does it?

Or this,
"How can a man dedicated to giving a taste of freedom to all those who desire it, justify the imprisonment of 5.5% of adult black males?"
becomes:
"How can a man dedicated to giving a taste of America to all those who desire it, justify the imprisonment of 5.5% of adult black males?"

Easy -- 5.5% get a taste of America in jail and the rest get to taste it on the streets.

For now, George W. Bush is the single greatest threat to reason and free-thinking individuals and the unapocalyzed world that they hold dear; so I will press on in my duties to help us to know our enemy be it through observation, translation or consumption of fine spirits.

The internet still exists?

By god!

I had completely given up on this website after all the hoopla surrounding New Year's.

I was certain that all the computers in the world were going to reset to the year zero and some sort of Digi-christ was going to digi-volve to a higher mark-up language or some such thing.

Who knew that this Y2K5 thing was a complete hoax ?!?

Apparently Alphonso has known since Saturday but he didn't bother mentioning it to me. To be perfectly honest, I'm livid. I've had the power off since 11:59 on New Year's Eve for no good reason! If I hadn't already given Alphonso his Christmas bonus, he might have found himself a little short on his boat payments this month. Who am I kidding, I could never let so fine a craft as that pass into the grubby hands of One-eyed Bill the nautical repo-man.

Luckily most of my estate is still powered by steam and I didn't have to give up any modern amenities beyond this blog and my Monday morning virtua-duel with Count von Chocolate (no connection to the cereal mascot -- or so he says) in Munchen.

Anyways, yes, this is just to let everyone know that yes the internet is still working and yes I do intend to get back to work soon.

All the best in the New Year,

Col. Matteus Von Mustard