A little treat for my readers

Hark!

I have decided to give all of you a taste of my profound genius! It is not a sign of the apocalypse and indeed it will prove quite profitable for the first of my readers to seize upon the idea and bring it into being.

Listen!

What are the three most popular things in the world?

Clearly they are hiphop, the ipod, and ihop. Who would disagree? Some have doubted the third item in the list, but realize that not only is it a HOUSE of PANCAKES, but lo, that HOUSE is INTERNATIONAL!

NOW LOOK, these tripinnacles of popularism are unbalanced; a fourth corner is required in the great square of total market domination.


Thus I assert to you my reader, that the first man woman or child to develop and market a HIP-POD will become an instant trillionaire!
__________
___IPOD___
IHOP_HIPPOD
__HIPHOP__
__________

Matteus has spoken.

How? Guh? WHUZZAaaAH?!?!

This is from today's Globe. People have gone absolutely bonkers. Plum-raving-loco!

"55 per cent of Tory voters would opt for the NDP if their party falters!!!"

What? WHUZZAH? What the hell are you voting about? This can only mean that 55% of tory voters are voting against the liberals without a thought in their head about what will happen if the Conservatives get elected.

Dear Canada,

Go to your room to think about what you've just said! You're not allowed to come down and vote until you've thought of a sensible explanation for your choices!

With Love,
Your Uncle Travelling Matt

Clearly they aren't enticed by tory tax-cuts or mad about gay marriage. Are they in favour of missile defense? The war in Iraq? Fiscal restraint? Are they worried about the environment and Health Care?!?!? VITRIOL!

Jack Layton has vowed that should the Conservatives win the election they will face "an unprecedented" battle in parliament against the NDP trying to pass their legislation. This is despite the fact that Jack could probably win more votes if he claimed he would be able to cooperate with a Conservative minority.

A SHORT PLAY
by Matteus Von Mustard

ME: "So your first choice is Stephen Harper and your second choice is a man who is has vowed to fight tooth and nail to thwart his every move."
VOTER: "Yeah, you know, one or the other, they both seem to represent my views well. "
ME: "You can't vote like that! Go read a fucking newspaper! That's like saying I'm voting for Lex Luthor, but if he pulls out, I'm sure Superman would do a good job too. I just don't want to see that Clark Kent guy in power anymore."
VOTER: "Lex Luthor is running? Ooh, he'd be good. He's got that mask and the cape and the gaspy breathing."
ME: "What? No. That's Darth Vader."
VOTER: "He's in the senate right?"
ME: {goes home, puts gotterdammerung in the phonograph, pours a glass of scotch and begins to weep softly along with the music}
VOTER: {having followed me home, the voter is now standing at the window looking in} What is that? Opera? Yuck. The only good opera I've ever seen is Cats.
ME: Release the hounds. {smiles, sips scotch, watches voter stumble through brambles trying to make it back to the front gates -- they are electrified}
ME: {quietly} Weialala leia, wallala leialala.

Stephen Harper! EEK!

Certainly I pride myself on my rationality! And certainly there are worse things going on in the world than Stephen Harper's lead in the polls, however, I feel we all have a right to get a little emotionally bent out of shape when things hit close to home. Our home and native land.

Not for long if Stephen Harper takes up the reins.

For one, he announced today that he would overturn a recent deal between the federal government and native groups. The deal is already something of an insult to a people from whom we stole everything we have and who we are now allowing to sink into social and economic turmoil without batting an eye. Stephen Harper would take back what little we have already given them. Talk about Indian Giving!

For two, he announced today that he would pull out of the Kyoto Accord. We were failing to make our quotas under the liberals but at least we were trying. To pull out of Kyoto is appalling and shows an utter disrespect towards our children and grandchildren and towards those poor countries struggling to meet their own quotas while we roll around in our wealth and proclaim we can't afford to protect the environment.

For three, DEEP INTEGRATION WITH THE UNITED STATES! Under NAFTA US companies who invest in water exporting will have their investments protected against any laws we might pass. This needs to be changed and soon. Do you think Harper will be the one to slap their hands back? Not in a million years. In fact, in Parliament he criticized Chretien for opposing the US missile defense plan and for signing the world ban on landmines despite US misgivings. Landmines?!?!? LANDMINES?!?!??! Of all the things in the world that are most obviously a bad idea landmines ranks number three (after spray-on cheese and pissing on an electric fences). I'm pretty sure Darth Fucking Vader thinks landmines are cruel and unnecessary.

If Stephen Harper can't work up the nerve to tell Bush that landmines are a bad idea, then how can we expect him to stand up to the US on anything???

I beg of you take these rational munitions into your arsenal and move out quickly. Talk to the people you know and love who are considering voting conservative. Do so with respect and patience. There are good reasons to be angry with liberals. There are good reasons to vote conservative. Perhaps however these facts about Harper will help you to persuade people that, all things considered, electing Stephen Harper would be a calamitous, catastrophic and apocalyptical cataclysm of an eschatological tenor. It would also be dire, doleful, dreadful, disastrous, destructive, devastating, decimating and dastardly. Also doom.


Scared Shitless,
The Right Honourable
Matteus Von Mustard