My Apologies

Dear Devoted Readers,

I apologize for the skinny condition of my posts of late. I have seen so many signs that I have yet to post about, but expect some soon; including one revolutionary insight.

The reason for my distraction is that I am currently writing and editing an encyclopedia about myself. For while there are a few excellent biographies on the subject (me), it is difficult to locate particular items of information using the reference material that is currently available.

The project is turning out to be much more time-consuming than I had originally anticipated. I have already filled seven, 1000 page volumes though, so I feel that I am keeping up a good pace. Here is a teaser to keep you occupied. It is the last entry that I completed.

Monocle: N., Personal Possession; Non-Celestial.

Matteus Von Mustard wears a special monocle, ground in Switzerland from the finest glass in the world. The glass itself is formed with equal parts of desert and beach sand. The desert sand has been collected from each of the seven deadly deserts and the beach sand is hand-made by beautiful native women from fresh seashells to ensure that it has not been shat upon by seagulls. Who would want old beach sand that's been lying around for who knows how long in their monocle? Not me, that's for sure. But I digress. The special glass in Matteus' monocle allows him to see all manner of occult phenomena that are invisible to the naked eye, such as ghosts, poltergeists, lycanthropic auras, the wrists of supermodels and the various poxes and hexes to be found in and upon fast food. On occassion, Matteus Von Mustard's astounding passion and emotion have been known to shatter his monocle. Usually rage.
For this reason he always carries a second monocle in the breast-pocket of his vest, enveloped in Chinese Silk.


Post a Comment

<< Home