So, right then. Yesterday afternoon I received a phone call from Matthew Lie - Paehlke, who it turns out was entirely unapocalypsized. In fact, it turns out that pretty much everyone remains unapocalyptified. I was frustrated to learn that my information had been inaccurate. Although I was relieved to know I would be able to go out and get fresh vegetables. My cellar was all out of white asparagus.

It took me pretty much the entire night to remove the anti-demon spells and hexes which I had placed on the various blast doors and airlocks between myself and the ground floor of my abode. But now I'm here, standing upon the grassy green surface of our lovely and entirely unapocalated planet. So, uh, I guess I'll get back to work.

Some of my more diligent readers, may be beginning to suspect they see a certain trend developing, they might recall other instances in which I have retreated ten stories beneath the earth only to return a week later to find things continuing unabated. These readers may be wondering if I have a tendency to "call wolf."

To these readers I say,
"Would you like to trade places with me?!?"
"Would you like to feel the weight of eight billion current lives and literally countless future lives upon your shoulders?"
"Would you stand alone at the VANGUARD of the Apocalypse Awareness Movement?"

Ah yes, resounding silence, that's just what I thought I'd here.

Remember this, I am Matteus Von Mustard and even my mistakes are more impressive then your greatest acheivements, each time I defecate I make a greater contribution to society then most men will make in their lifetime.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Does your poop smell like mustard?

3:14 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

seriously, matt, what the hell have you been smoking lately? these last two posts were, well, weird - even for von mustard.

3:35 p.m.  
Blogger Matthew Lie - Paehlke said...

I apologize for the testiness of this post. It was very ungentlemenly. I do stand by the content though.

2:28 p.m.  
Blogger deadpan said...

hurm. here i was all sad - well, not sad really, but mayhap bemused - to return to this continent and discover that i hadn't missed the apocalypse.

however, my flight home was occupied in part by watching american pap that passes for in-flight entertainment and in part by reading "a short history of nearly everything", which while being terribly engaging is also terribly frightening as it paints many a picture of our world's inevitable doom (or at least that of the human race, whose doom i'm not convinced would be a bad thing).

and speaking of doom, it's been decided that rock jesus will be useful for the building of things when impending doom impends, and that big joe's strength will be useful but his ferocious appetite will be his downfall. he might make a tasty lean meat in nuclear winter. (even i can't remember how we embarked on this conversation in scotland).

10:00 p.m.  

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