9.08.2005

Von Mustard has Been Found!

If you've been following the papers, I'm sure you'll be aware that the much-loved and wildly famous Matteus Von Mustard disappeared approximately two weeks ago much to the dismay of nubile women everywhere. Matteus left in "Henrietta," his most streamlined and gleamingest zepellin, on Friday the 19th of August with the intention of spending a weekend in Hong Kong. On the 21st I received an email -- who typed and sent it I have no idea -- suggesting he had composed another post orally and would dictate it to me on his return sometime later in the week. He concluded the email by saying, "Just nipping over to the mainland so see some old chums, should be back on Wednesday." He did not return to Canada until yesterday morning. His longtime butler Alphonso drove him to his manor from the airport yesterday around lunchtime.

While many benefit concerts have taken place in order to fund the search efforts, all the money was redonated to Hurricane Relief because as an uncharacteristally harried Alphonso quipped to the media "Matteus Von Mustard needs the charity of no man."

I now know that his "old chums" were the descendants of various druglords he befriended during the opium wars. Apparently Von Mustard was a notorius opium fiend for nearly 30 years during the latter half of the 19th Century. In order to avoid bringing infamy to his family name he called himself Vincent. At this time learned Dutch and took up painting. After faking his own death, he had a prosthetic ear made and returned to Germany to recover his wits. This was all news to me.

Alphonso believes, based on new tatoos on his right calf, that Matteus may have spent some time in Afghanistan late in August. All I know for certain is that he is now lashed to his favourite Louis XIVth chaise with two dozen Gucci belts. Alphonso has placed him at a window which looks out over his koi pond. Alphonso tells me that the Wabi Sabi design principles of Japanese gardens are the single most effective remedy for addiction. Von Mustard strenously disagrees with this theory and his bitten the fingers of three orderlies this morning alone. For his age he is surprisingly feisty.

At one point yesterday afternoon we accidentally put on CNN on the television behind him. He became incensed and began foaming at the mouth. He has since composed a short opera in German, the title of which translates as "Oh Katrina, how I love you, why must you weep so copiously?" Alphonso thinks it will meet with mild critical success, but will not be commercially succesful. He also thinks that Von Mustard should be able to return to making regular postings within the next week.

For the last hour he's been obsessing over a single rhyming couplet;

"Diddy warned them vote or die,
and now they can only cry."

I'm not sure what he means by that. Alphonso knows but he won't tell me. He says it's so cynical and disturbing that once he sobers up, even Von Mustard will regret saying it. Perhaps I shouldn't be posting it on the internet...

yours truly,

Matthew Lie - Paehlke
Secretary and Webmaster
Matteus Von Mustard's Apocalypse Watch

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