Taking Action #1: Telemarketing

I have slowly come to realize, through the type of glacial thought process by which all wisdom is created, that criticism and alarmism is not necessarily the way forward. Simply pointing out devils and demons shall not save us unless we can find a way to take action.

Accordingly, I shall begin a series of posts which mention a sign of the apocalypse and suggest a method by which my readers can remedy the situation in question.

The first sign of the apocalypse against which I suggest we take action is the dread and baleful rise of TELEMARKETING.

Telemarketing works because it is a cost-efficient way of reaching a large number of people, and this is true because telemarketers can speak to a great number of people per hour. Those of you who instantly hang-up on telemarketers are actually helping their cause, by increasing the number of people they can speak to in one hour.

Some months ago, a counter-script was drawn to my attention, which brilliantly turned the table on the telemarketer. However, this counter-script is impractical because it is cumbersome and irritating to enact. In it's place I have developed a much simpler method of combatting telemarketing.

Although I never actually answer the phone (this is one of Alphonso's duties), I will provide you with a hypothetical conversation between myself and a telemarketer.

Myself: "Hello?"
Telemarketer: "Hello, Is this Col. Matteus Von Mustard?"
M: "No. Would you like to speak with him?"
T: "Yes please, could you get him for me?"
M: "It would be my pleasure; who can I tell him is calling?"
T: "It's Michelberg Banking."
M: "Oh yes, he will be delighted to speak with you, just this morning the Colonel remarked to me that he was looking for somewhere to invest his obscenely immense fortune. Just a second please..."

At this point, I place the phone down gently upon my mahogany desk and retire to the drawing room to enjoy a Cohiba Siglo IV, one of the most flavorful, longest-lasting cigars in the world.


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