Printer Error!

For the love of God why?!?!

I have spent the last two hours attempting to print a single document from my computer. What inefficient garbage these electronic devices are. If it had simply failed once and spectacularily in the first place, I could have had Matthew dictate the document to Alphonso who would have had it typeset in no time. But no, instead the infernal machine decides to fail in repeated and varied half-starts and limited successes, leaving me complete uncertain what is the problem or why.

I have reinstalled the drivers twice, claiming my printer to be a 690c or a 650 or a 695, whatever seems to most suit the whims of the fickle and demoniacal windows. I have changed my ink cartridge, I have printed test pages upon test pages, I have printed from three different Word documents and from a Notepad document, always with different results, not the same failure -- lord no, never the same, repeatable and predictable failure, but a different unique failure which leads an optimistic person such as myself to believe I am making progress.

At first I thought trouble-shooting sounded like an excellent idea, until Matthew informed me that it involves clicking more goddamn boxes, not blasting the living shit out of my printer with an elephant gun.

I really can't believe that Mr. Hewlett and Mr. Packard have driven the respectable Herr Gutenberg out of business with the sort of substandard goo-gaws they pass off as printers. Their products are worse than the ersatz offal on display in the Saigon boat market.

Oh, how I pine for the days when things either worked or didn't work, when men and women were innocent of this ridiculous state of 'well, it kind-of, almost, sort-of works, adjust the printer properties and try it again.'


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're not supposed to look at it while it's printing. A watched printer never boils.

5:18 p.m.  
Blogger me said...

more like a watched printer spits in your face and then laughs at you as it takes multiple pages in while duplex printing so that the whole sequence is thrown off.

i'd really like to see a printer boil.

11:32 p.m.  
Blogger justin said...

Have you tried taking a rubbing from the screen? Or perhaps breaking your file into several hundred one-word-each files, then printing those out individually and glueing them together?

I sometimes find these methods helpful, you also might try getting a mac.

9:54 a.m.  
Blogger Matthew Lie - Paehlke said...

I have considered purchasing a macintosh, however I am deathly afraid of the 3am crazy badger alarm clock virus. Nothing could be more horrible than that.

3:32 p.m.  
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7:59 p.m.  
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5:21 p.m.  
Blogger cyberbet said...

I still think google and yahoo are the best search engines. Directories like Dmoz and Search are horrible for running searches. I have never met anyone that would use a directory over a search engine.

10:25 a.m.  

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