At NO TIME was I EVER a member of The Hitler Youth

Recently, I have been inundated by accusations from all sides that I, like Cardinal Ratzinger (Now Pope Benedict XVI), was a member of the Hitler Youth during the second World War. Perhaps this slander has arisen because, unlike most, I am proud of my Germanic heritage or perhaps it is because of the correspondence which occured between myself and some of Hitler's chief lieutenants during the 1970's on account of our mutual interest in Ragnarok. Whatever the reasons, this type of defamation is patently ridiculous.

For one, I love the Jewish people. I have several good-natured Jews working for me. They run the Usury Department of my financial empire and they have earned me an astounding amount of money over the years. Secondly, while I remain sprightly and chipper to this day, I was far from falling within the conventional definition of 'a youth' during the 1940's. Although I allied myself with the Germans in the FIRST world war, I took no part in the SECOND. At the time, I was lost in my studies of Obeah, living with Alphonso in a decaying mansion deep in the bayou. In fact, I was not even aware that the second world war had taken place until 1957.

I hope this missive has set my readers hearts at ease.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

On behalf of the staff in the Usury department I would like to add my voice in defence of the noble Von Mustard. He has always treated us with the utmost kindness and respect, graciously given us time off in spades on the key days of our calendar so that we might fully participate in Judiadic ritual, and thoughtfully refrained from eating PORK MOSS in our presence, in spite of his all-consuming love of that unholy delicacy. Truly he is an honourable, Semite-loving man.

12:21 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would also like to testify to your innocence in this matter. For years, the two of us have worked side by side with every moment of our free time as members of the black panter party. In this time I have never seen or heard anything that would indicate he does or ever has supported anything other than our struggle against the man.

Shaun D

11:18 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can testify to possessing even more intimate evidence of his love of Semites... A greeting card!

1:45 a.m.  

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