Oh God...

It wasn't so much a sign of the apocalypse as a gargantuan flashing, neon billboard of the apocalypse as high as Heaven and as wide as Texas which read "George Bush is gonna kill us all!" Also in smaller letters at the bottom it said "Yee ha!"

Last night I sank to a new low and drank "beer." Worse still, I drank piss-poor, inexpensive beer, in order to feel an affinity for the woe-to-come of the common man. I, a man who has not touched beer since I hoisted a hollowed-out log with Friar Tuck to toast one of Mr. Hood's infamous victories, drank a case and a half of Molson Canadian. Now certainly, I have some associates in Belgium and Germany who I could have called upon to fly in a wide array of the finest beers in the world, but when I go slumming I really like to scrape the absolute bottom of the barrel, so Molson Canadian it was.

George Bush Jr. is a man who firmly believes that God has chosen him to be president. As an aside, I would like to observe that about a year ago, while chatting over a scotch with Archangel Gabriel in a club in Hong Kong, I discovered that the only intervention that Our Lord who art in Heaven has taken in the life of Dubya was to bless him with the providence of finding a whole pretzel under his seat at a baseball game. But I digress.

George Bush Jr. is a man who firmly believes that God has chosen him to be president. What of the Constitution? What of Democracy? Isn't there some sort of a conflict of interests here? Let's say for instance that George Bush Jr. has a dream wherein God speaks to him and asks him to nuke France and he wakes up in the morning and holds a referendum and the American people through some sort of unlikely turn of events recognize that this is a bad idea. Who do you think he's going to cross? The infinitely powerful guy who's got his finger on the eternal damnation in the fiery pits of hell button or the people who have difficulty finding their own country on a map of the world? He could probably just start wearing a fake mustache and thereby escape all legal retribution that might come his way.

The fate of the world is the hands of an electorate that couldn't understand that an evil terrorist mastermind might be so devious as to lie.

George Bush is the single greatest thing that ever happened to fundamentalist Islamic terrorists. How hard do you think it is to recruit new terrorists when the President of the free world unilaterally invades a Muslim nation and calls it a "crusade?"

The American people saw a video asking them not to elect Bush and they concluded that Osama really believed that his best course of actions was to clearly state what he honestly hoped would happen. They cogitated their brains out and decided that Osama bin Laden expected his mortal enemies to respect his opinion and act directly upon his advice and that the best way to defy him was to do the opposite of what he told them to do. (heh, heh, heh ain't we smrt.) Their shrewd strategic conclusion was to re-elect Bush without giving the matter any further thought. Reverse psychology is how parents convince four-year olds to take a bath, it should not allow terrorists to succesfully trick people into electing the leaders that they hope to see in power.

Actually, I guess I mis-phrased something above, the fate of the world is no longer in the hands of an electorate who failed to realize that Osama bin Laden might be a liar. It is now in the hands of the man they elected.
The above post is dedicated to my father (Count Roberto von Mustard) who is both twice as American and twice as Angry about this election as I.

Happy Birthday Dad!


Blogger Matthew Lie - Paehlke said...

Even I, upon ocassion, allow a little bias to slip into my monologues. I must at this point admit, that what I posted above was said in a moment of passion and may not be entirely accurate. Having travelled to every country in the world and many which no longer exist, I know that there are incredibly stupid people everywhere. Indeed, even Americans are probably no more stupid than the average human being. To be honest, it just felt good to give them a good drubbing in response to their electoral activities.

The madness in the United States is not really a question of intelligence, or of people being duped; it is far more terrifying then that. The American people just don't care about the same things we do. They did not like how George Bush was handling the war, they thought the economy was in bad shape, they weren't entirely confident in his ability to sort out these problems however, they were more afraid that John Kerry might prevent abortion or allow gay marraige, which are clearly worse then being blown to bits by terrorists or losing your job, health benefits and educational opportunities for your child. Americans hold 'moral values' very highly and apparently have, after lengthy and informed ruminations, decided, in record numbers, that it is worth sacrificing the lives of their children and their own health and financial interests, in order to preserve the "moral fabric of America."

It is like trying to engage an alien race in debate, intelligence is no longer a relevant factor.

1:11 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am very sad about all of this. The glee in the eyes of the religious right is a very spooky thing to behold, but what frightens me most is the knowledge that, when the issues were so clearly set upon the table, the fucknuts still won. They are not the minority as I'd always taken pleasure in believing. I am very sad and paranoid at the moment, waiting for all of women's rights to erode and for the battles to explode into something even larger.

Justin and I had talked about who should issue America's apology to you. I guess, since I've arrived at the tragic scene first, it'll be me, "Matteus, we're sorry."

6:28 p.m.  

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