Matteus von Mustard's Apocalypse Watch

Please, allow me a moment to introduce myself and this blog.

I am Matteus Von Mustard, your (irrationally) humble servant.

This is "Signs of the Apocalypse." In these last days I have deemed it appropriate to grab hold of the newest, fastest and cheapest means of publication in order to share with the world the numerous omens visible to my sharp, worldly and magnetically manful eyes.

Born during a solar-eclipse, to a rich, virtous and notoriously secretive German explorer and the then-queen-of-Zambonia, I have spent my life travelling the world and perusing its most dizzingly esoteric libraries. I have also attained a hard-earned minor in religious studies from the University of Toronto. No small feat!

Of those maligners, muckrackers and mud-slingers among you who might be under the impression such a degree is easy to come-by, might I ask if a so-called 'bird course' would require it's participants to defeat the Dalai Lama in debate? In Tibetan? While underwater? For 2% of the final mark? And might I also remind you that for two years of my studies I was trapped in an antique grandfather clock (as a result of an unfortunate accident in a first year alchemy class) and was forced to develop a coded system of ticks and ringings in order to communicate my final papers to my butler and typist Alphonso? Ah, but this is not the time and place for me to extemporaneously compose my sure-to-be enlightening, electrifying, flamboyant and yet still poignant memoirs. The fate of the world is, as always, in my hands.

Suffice it to say that I am eminently, pre-eminently and perhaps even post-eminently qualified to seek out the SIGNS OF THE APOCALYPSE by unswervingly surfing the web until all hours of the night and watching a lot of Fox news. For you, and for this world that I so love, I will do these terrible things. Do not thank me, simply read, consider and for GOD'S SAKE DRINK YOURSELF INTO OBLIVION!


Blogger me said...

The Dali Lama? They sound like an interesting bunch. Do they get along with the Dalai Lama?

"Do not thank me, simple read"?...where do you get off calling people reads!!

Most importantly, is Alphonso cute? If you can hook me up with him, and it works out, I'll forgive you for the read comment.

11:50 a.m.  
Blogger Matthew Lie - Paehlke said...

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1:47 a.m.  

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