Signs of the Apocalypse

New Blog

2010-07-27T20:53:00.004-04:00

I, Matthew Lie - Paehlke, official but occasional editor of this illustrious website have created a new website featuring some of my own writing.

Check it out: www.matthewliepaehlke.com

And where on EARTH was MY invitiation?!?!

2009-02-26T20:28:00.001-05:00

Super - hiatus

2008-11-14T21:00:00.002-05:00

Many of you may be wondering; 'Where is Matteus Von Mustard?'

The truth is, I have no idea.

And my last paycheque bounced.

So, at least until the wondrous Colonel reemerges, this blog will be on hiatus. But if you'd like you can check out my personal project:

Barack Obama Will Fix Everything.

George Bush: Living up to his Caricatures

2007-12-14T11:04:00.001-05:00

For a long time crazy leftists have said that George Bush was a terrorist and a villain and their exaggerations have done little to aid the cause of real progressives fighting Bush's policies, but lately, in the twilight of his presidency George Bush has really lost it. He has instructed his delegates at the International Agreement on Climate Change to oppose ALL binding targets. He has vetoed a bill to expand health insurance to poor children by taxing cigarettes. And most recently he has threatened to veto a bill which would make waterboarding illegal!

So, just to sum up, George Bush is opposed to nice weather and children, but in favour of torture. Seriously. I'm not exaggerating!!!

Advertisers have gone TOO FAR!!

2007-12-13T14:06:00.000-05:00

Now I, as a wealthy industrialist and firm believer in Reason and the superiority of White-haired Academics, have long been a supporter of Immanuel Kant. But just look what I had to suffer through while I was watching Lou Dobbs last night:

This sort of sensationalist, unfounded propoganda has no place on our airwaves, and every time this add airs we are surely slipping another step closer to our DOOM!

Canada is the LEAST environmentally conscious country in the British Commonwealth!

2007-11-24T11:20:00.000-05:00

Our Great Leader Stephen Harper has succeeded, against the wishes of 50 other countries in the British Commonwealth, in having the word 'binding' removed from a recent climate change agreement and replaced with the word 'aspirational.' What a wondrous steamroller of assholishness he is! Thank God for Neo-Con Aspirations.

The Globe and Mail is reporting that:
"Canada and Australia had been the lone holdouts against an earlier resolution that would have included such targets — and the Australian government has just been defeated in an election."

That's at least good news -- John Howard, Bush's last non-Sarkozian buddy-buddy, has been booted out in favour of a Liberal Prime Minister mainly on the strength of his promises about Climate Change. JOhn Howard not only lost control of the government, he lost HIS OWN SEAT! That's how mad Australians were about his bullshit.

So yes, in terms of Climate Change, Australia is also way ahead of us now. Leaving us on a shrinking coastline of Climate Change deniers with the US and China.

Tax Law, Loopholes and Greedy Lawyers!

2007-11-08T10:47:00.000-05:00

The Toronto Star is reporting that: "the rich, with annual incomes of more than $265,000, saw their tax rate decline dramatically between 1990 and 2005 by nearly 4 percentage points to 30.5 per cent.

"In contrast, those in the bottom 10 per cent of income earners – with earnings of $13,500 or less – watched their rate rise by 5 percentage points to 30.7 per cent.

"The study, Eroding Tax Fairness: Tax Incidence in Canada 1990 to 2005, says that over the same period most Canadians saw their tax rate fall by about 2 percentage points.

"But middle-income families still pay about 6 percentage points more in total taxes than a family in the top 1 per cent."

Did you catch that? The middle class pay on average SIX percentage points more than the rich.

The idea of a flat tax is appealing in many ways. Of course in practice we should probably have a few conditions and exemptions in our tax structure, but what we have now is far too complex and the lawyers of the ultra-rich seem to understand it better than Revenue Canada and far better than the lawmakers who have created it. I think it would make a lot of sense to eliminate all the exemptions, and then reinstitute a few that are the most important

Luckily things aren't as bad in Canada as they are in the US. In America the beautifyl there are hunting tourism companies which run "museums" to which the people on there trips give the various heads and tusks and such that they come home with as donations in kind at wildly inflated values and then write off the cost of the trip as a charitable donation on their taxes! BLAUW! The US government is paying rich people to shoot at wild animals!

Yet more dope bboying....

2007-11-02T16:28:00.001-04:00

I apologize that this has become more of a youtube theatre than a blog, but I do enough writing as it is...

gravity becoming dangerously weak in some parts of Korea

2007-10-10T11:46:00.000-04:00

Just watch the ease with which this dancer totally mocks and disregards one of the most fundamental forces of physics.

More Reverse Grafitti

2007-10-02T21:33:00.000-04:00

You may remember my original post regarding reverse grafitti, the process of selectively cleaning urban grime to make images.

ps -- can you tell i've been spending time on the internet lately?

nasty, nasty bboys

2007-10-02T19:45:00.000-04:00

here's a clip, just cuz its sick.
the first bboy to dance on the right is one of my favourite bboys in the world right now. Kid David. Power and grace, plus he kills beats and all his moves are fresh.

More CREEPY BABIES!

2007-09-25T14:04:00.001-04:00

IN keeping with our current theme, I have this video that was posted on Neatorama.com

Is Toronto Not the Rightful Centre of the Universe?

2007-09-14T22:27:00.000-04:00

How can this be? Surely this is a sign of the apocalypse.

From the Globe and Mail:

"CN Tower loses standing
September 13, 2007 at 12:53 PM EDT

TORONTO — The world's tallest building being constructed in Dubai has surpassed the height of the CN Tower, the world's tallest free-standing structure, its developers said Thursday.

At 555 metres, Burj Dubai is now two metres taller than the 553-metre CN Tower, Emaar Properties said in a release.

It also has scaled 150 livable levels, the largest number of storeys for any building in the world.

Burj Dubai had already beaten Taipei 101, which at 508 metres has been holding the tallest-building title since it opened in 2004."

Read more here.

More Kids! More Scratching!

2007-09-14T22:15:00.000-04:00

You may remember my observation that time had come unwravelled based on the uncanny abilities of a 2-year old bboy and a four year old drummer. Or for those with more short term memories you may remember the scratching kitten from further down the page. Here's a little from column A, a little from column B.

The Older Girl in the Above Video, really going off:

It's interesting that the adult male's face is kept off camera, I imagine he's already a relatively famous DJ in his own right and these are his kids. After all, take a look at that wall of records!

Oh and by the way, that two-year old bboy. He's THREE now! That's 50% older!

Harper Hates Natives

2007-09-13T10:49:00.000-04:00

Not only here, but all around the world.

We are one of four countries set to vote against a new UN resolution on the Rights of Indigenous Peoples, designed, for example to prevent natives from being imprisoned or killed when the government of some developing country wants to use their land. Way to go, Harper. First Climate Change, now this. The government claims that the document isn't reconcilable with our constitution, however the declaration is a non-binding document that is specifically required to be interpreted in balance with other laws."

Keep in mind that this is AFTER he has already taken back five billion dollars which the Liberals had allocated to Native Peoples. Talk about Indian Giving.

FROM THE GLOBE:
Canada to vote against rights declaration
September 13, 2007 at 6:20 AM EDT

OTTAWA — Canada will be voting against the United Nations Declaration on the Rights of Indigenous Peoples Thursday.

Indian Affairs Minister Chuck Strahl and Foreign Affairs Minister Maxime Bernier say Canada opposes the declaration because it lacks clear guidance for implementation and goes against Canada's Constitution.

The two ministers also say in a statement, released late Wednesday, that the document doesn't recognize Canada's need to balance indigenous rights with those of others.

The government supports the spirit and intent of the declaration, but says more negotiations are needed. The non-binding declaration is expected to be easily approved, with only Canada, New Zealand, the United States and Australia dissenting.

Human rights groups have slammed Canada's bid to derail the declaration, saying Ottawa is trying to keep control of the vast resources on land claimed by aboriginal communities.

From a different article on the issue in the Globe:
"In fact, documents released to Amnesty International under the Access to Information Act show that the government fought the declaration despite advice from its own officials in Foreign Affairs, Indian Affairs and National Defence, all of them urging its support."

Hip Hop's Proliferation

2007-08-31T10:53:00.000-04:00

Now that Hip Hop has already spread to the four corners of the globe, it has begun to spread in ways could never have expected.... taking the animal kingdom by surprise!

Just wait until we see monkey grafitti writers, bullfrog emcees and tortoise bboys taking over our streets.

Police State

2007-08-22T22:17:00.001-04:00

Here's a tale from a country not so far from here. The big wigs of this country were gathered for an important meeting, but many people were opposed. The people gathered together to protest, union members, students, members of political opposition parties. The police were lined up in rows. They wore gas masks and carried plastic shields, but the protest was peaceful. There was nothing worse than insults in the air until three men dressed in all black showed up. They wore bandanas and waved sticks. They rushed towards the cops and picked up cops. The protesters were appalled, one of the union leaders approached these men and demanded that they drop their arms. But the men persisted, they were mad. The union leader demanded that they remove their masks. The men said no, and strangely they began to sidle slowly towards the police lines. One of the men said something to one of the riot cops. Then, just as the union leader was about to pull off their bandanas, they walked straight into a police line, which mysteriously melted around them. As the men were being put in handcuffs, it was visible to all that their boots matched the boots of the riot police precisely.

click to show larger photo

Later, the police wouldn't release the names of these three men, although they did publish the names of other protesters who were arrested.

Can you imagine which backward country this might have happened in?
Canada. Last Weekend.

Globe and Mail

Toronto Star

Youtube:

****UPDATE*****

Quebec Police have admitted that these were in fact their officers, however they say that the men were not trying to incite violence. I'm a little skeptical considering they already said that these WEREN'T their officers.

read more at CBC.CA

Bizarro Cheney!

2007-08-13T22:18:00.000-04:00

Look at this! Here is an interview with a Dick Cheney which scientists have discovered by training magneto-telescopes to the sub-quantum resonations of an alternate universe's radio waves. It is a TV news interview with Dick Cheney in a world where George Bush didn't invade Iraq!

As everyone knows there cannot be two Cheneys so presumably, this smarter Cheney will destroy our entire universe as soon as he realizes we're watching him.

Thanks to www.crooksandliars.com

"Town Hall" Meetings

2007-08-01T23:12:00.001-04:00

The neo-cons love to control the environment of a debate. If there's going to be a debate they get out there at 5 am and paint the boundaries where they want them, they set up spotlights that will hit their star players and they hire a crowd to cheer for them. This is why George Bush carefully screens his audience and then has an 'impromptu' heart-to-heart with them for the TV cameras. This is why Republicans in the United States are planning to avoid the presidential candidates Youtube debate with questions submitted by average Americans (and admittedly screened by CNN) This is why Stephen Harper sent the RCMP! to kick reporters out of the lobby of a hotel (which was crawling with other less politically touchy members of the public) during a Conservative strategy session, saying they were welcome to attend a specially prepared news conference across the street.

From the Toronto Star:

"CHARLOTTETOWN – RCMP officers, acting on orders from the Prime Minister's Office, evicted journalists from a hotel lobby Wednesday to prevent them from approaching Conservative MPs to discuss the country's governance.

While tour bus groups freely wandered the lobby of Charlottetown's Delta Hotel, plainclothes Mounties rebuffed reporters who had convened for the Conservative party's three-day summer strategy session."

Bruce Cheadle

The last thing that any Neo-con wants is an exchange that hasn't been pre-scripted, because improvisation leads to honesty and there's nothing more dangerous to the neo-con image than honesty. Do you remember when a homophobic Conservative candidate was hidden in the kitchen of a hotel. "When reporters tried to question Mr. Albrecht about his views after the rally, Conservative handlers blocked them from getting close. Mr. Albrecht was hustled into a kitchen where he stood alone as the news media were told he was too busy to speak with them." From the Globe about a year ago.

They'll even sell-out Free Market Economics to make a buck

2007-06-05T10:40:00.000-04:00

So, the Agriculture Department in the US tests only about 1% of cattle for Mad Cow Disease. Which is partially effective in discerning which farms need to be quarantined and when and preventing tainted meat from going to market. Still, there is a chance that any meat you eat could still give you spongiform encephalopathy which quite literally TURNS YOUR BRAIN INTO A SPONGE!

Please read about this delightful disease as described in Wikipedia:

"The first symptom of CJD is rapidly progressive dementia, leading to memory loss, personality changes and hallucinations. This is accompanied by physical problems such as speech impairment, jerky movements, balance and coordination dysfunction, changes in gait, rigid posture, and seizures. The duration of the disease varies greatly, but sporadic (non-inherited) CJD can be fatal within months or even weeks (Johnson, 1998).

When brain tissue from a CJD patient is examined under a microscope, many tiny holes can be seen where whole areas of nerve cells have died. The word 'spongiform' in 'transmissible spongiform encephalopathies' refers to the 'spongy' appearance of the brain tissue."

I can see why there might be a demand for meat that was guaranteed not to turn your brain into a sponge. Several small beef-producers in the US saw this demand and decided to test ALL of their cattle. They would of course charge a premium, but that's how the free market works. In the end, the people are able to get what they want, if they can afford it, and Republicans are happy.

Right?

Wrong. The Agriculture Department has BANNED widespread testing! Even if it is at the company's expense!!! Why? Pressure from large cattle farms who worry that there will be decreased demand for their beef, thus forcing them to perform the expensive test as well. And THAT would cut into their margins.

I wish to God that I was making this up. But the article is right here in the International Herald Tribune.

The Republican party has finally given up on principles of any kind. The "invisible hand of the market" is their favourite argument for defending their heinousness; it's a sort of sleight of hand that supposedly explains why they can't limit greenhouse gases or provide health care; it's why bank-fees shouldn't be regulated, why land mine companies shouldn't be shut down and why minimum wage should stay as low as possible. However, in this one instance, the Agriculture Department had to step in and protect us from the Free Market, which was threatening to provide us with SAFE MEAT for a small premium.

In fairness, I found a different article which suggests that "While, Creekstone claims full testing will assure its customers of the safety of its products, the USDA contends that this gives a false sense of security because BSE is generally undetectable in younger cattle."

However, Creekstone will be using EXACTLY THE SAME TEST that the FDA uses, so it must work pretty well.

A court ruled that this testing MUST be allowed, and now the Agriculture Department IS APPEALING! Because there's nothing Republicans hate more than people not getting spongiform encephalophathy. People with sponge-brains make up 80% of their electorate.

The End of Pop Music

2007-06-03T11:47:00.000-04:00

This documentary explores the little known fact that Bob Dylan actually wrote and performed every single pop song that has appeared on the radio since 1965, and demonstrates which the bands we have traditionally given credit to were actually stealing his work.

HOWEVER! What this video does not point out is that Bob Dylan's back-catalogue is now very close to being depleted and unless someone can come up with a new song very soon, we may run out of pop music.

SNAKE VS. BABY!!!

2007-05-14T21:06:00.000-04:00

Shark vs. Bear is so last year...

Prepare to go slowly insane, as you wonder, how or why this ever happened, than if it's real, than become slowly entranced by the movements of the snake and the baby.

thanks to boingboing.net

US Government paying paranoid lunatics to live among us as spies

2007-05-07T13:55:00.001-04:00

Do you remember those short, scattered articles a few months ago about tracking devices being implanted in Canadian coins? You know, the ones that were long on suspicion, and short on details. Well, apparently, and I'm not making this up, US defense contractors living amongst us were worried that the poppies on some quarters concealed nanotech components. Seriously. Keep in mind that they weren't just random schizophrenics with blogs, they were working for the US ARMY!!! The US government is paying people to go to Tim Horton's and flip out when they get a funny-looking quarter in their change.

To quote the Globe and Mail:
"The odd-looking — but harmless — "poppy coin" was so unfamiliar to suspicious U.S. Army contractors travelling in Canada that they filed confidential espionage accounts about them. The worried contractors described the coins as "anomalous" and "filled with something man-made that looked like nano-technology," according to once-classified U.S. government reports and e-mails obtained by the AP."

"One contractor believed someone had placed two of the quarters in an outer coat pocket after the contractor had emptied the pocket hours earlier. "Coat pockets were empty that morning and I was keeping all of my coins in a plastic bag in my inner coat pocket," the contractor wrote."

Have you ever heard something that made you more convinced a person was bat-shit insane then that? Does this person have alzheimers? Do they where a tin-foil hat? I mean honestly, the found some coins in their pocket and were convinced that they had been planted on them. By who? Men in black sunglasses? The government? YOU ARE THE FUCKING GOVERNMENT YOU RETARD!!!

Not only does the US government have multiple delusional paranoids on their pay-roll, they apparently take them very seriously. It might not have been so bad had the higher-ups received these reports, laughed themselves silly and said this wacko on a 'special mission' to the darkest reaches of the Congo, but no, instead, they issued a public alert!

Again, from the Globe and Mail; "The confidential accounts led to a sensational warning from the Defence Security Service, an agency of the Defence Department, that mysterious coins with radio frequency transmitters were found planted on U.S. contractors with classified security clearances on at least three separate occasions between October 2005 and January 2006 as the contractors travelled through Canada."

These are defense department officials who issued these reports. Who did they think had created these high-tech tracking devices and slipped them onto our coins? Space aliens? Russian spies from a parallel universe? Satan?

The more insane the US military-industrial complex becomes the more of a threat they are to the entire world. Suddenly, I'm not so sure who's crazier, the people who think the government planned 9/11 or the people that they think did it.

Anti-terrorism Laws

2007-05-04T13:47:00.000-04:00

Do you remember in February, when Harper was trying to extend the anti-terror laws that Canada passed in the wake of 9-11? Do you remember how he said that without these laws the Air India inquiry might grind to a halt? Do you remember how he had the families of the victims stand with him for an impromptu press conference?

Well, it turns out he wasn't exactly right. The police didn't need more power to get to the bottom of this travesty, they needed less. It looks like all the way through this inquiry, while Harper was pressing to give away our freedoms in the name of George Bush's "war on terror," the cause of this tragedy was simple police incompetence, followed by an elaborate cover-up.

Apocalypse-endorsed Candidate!

2007-05-02T19:48:00.000-04:00

Now this is a man who understands our current predicament and how to conduct a government accordingly. His name is Toyama Koichi and he was running for Governor of Tokyo.

THIS is his official candidate video.

Watch it right to the end, it only gets better and better.

It ain't a joke this time.

2007-05-01T15:30:00.000-04:00

From Harper's Magazine:

Researchers investigating the collapse of honeybee colonies in Europe and the Americas identified several possible reasons for the catastrophe: poor diet; radiation from mobile phones that disturbs bees' sense of navigation so they cannot fly home; increased solar radiation due to the thinning of the ozone layer; bee AIDS; stress from cross-country travel in trucks; falling queen fertility; the microsporidian fungus Nosema ceranae; or imidacloprid, a pesticide sold under the brand name Gaucho and banned by France in 1999 for spreading "mad bee disease." Investors were advised to put their money in gold and corn futures to profit off the recession that may result from the disruption of the food chain caused by the vanishing bees. Grapes, which self-pollinate, and olives, which are pollinated by the wind, will not be affected by the bees' disappearance; Christians pointed out that the Book of Revelation predicts that a famine sparing grapes and olives will precede the apocalypse.

Holy Ef-kit

2007-04-01T16:33:00.000-04:00

This is for any bboys out there who are focussing exclusively on tricks. Give it up. Here's your tricks.

Give us your poor, your tired, your huddled masses...

2007-02-14T16:28:00.000-05:00

...But please take our criminals.

The New York Times is reporting that "Soldiers with criminal histories made up ... 11.7 percent of the Army recruits in 2006!"

The Full Article is Here.

"The sharpest increase was in waivers for serious misdemeanors, which make up the bulk of all the Army’s moral waivers. These include aggravated assault, burglary, robbery and vehicular homicide. The number of waivers for felony convictions also increased, to 11 percent of the 8,129 moral waivers granted in 2006, from 8 percent."

Are you surprised that Abu Ghraib happened? Are you surprised that US Soldiers are hunting down and killing Iraqi civilians? They take criminals, send to a foreign land, tell them anyone could be their enemy and give them guns!

I'm suspicious that in this case the US government is taking their cues from Fidel. In the late 1970's, America talked the talk to Cuba, saying that they would accept refugees from their regime. Castro responded, by loading criminals and lunatics onto boats and sending them to Miami. Their is one important difference here though -- whatever else he may be, Fidel is a gentlemen and he waited for an invitation.

The Iraqi people didn't invite anyone, let alone criminals.

More Neo-conning

2007-02-12T21:18:00.000-05:00

So, Apparently taking a page out of US politics, Harper is trying to stack the Canadian Judiciary with right-wing Judges. Except, as far as I know, since we're not insane, we try to keep politics out of our legal system as much as we can, so he's had to go about it in a bit of a round-a-bout way, by stacking the volunteer panels that select judges with wingers.

The article is here.

From the Globe and Mail.

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20070212.wxjudges12/BNStory/National/home

Cooking for the Perfect Beat

2007-02-11T14:46:00.000-05:00

Personally, I always wanted to enter a dj contest and just get up there and juggle beets. However, this guy has a way cooler method of mixturing hip hop with food.

What Harper really thinks about the Environment.

2007-01-30T19:27:00.000-05:00

Here is the complete text of a letter from Stephen Harper to members of the Alliance Party from back before he was willing to say anything to pander for votes.

I first saw it in the Toronto Star, but I see that it's in the Globe as well.

Honest to god, he says that Carbon Dioxide is ESSENTIAL TO LIFE!

Dear Friend,
We’re on a roll, folks!

The Canadian Alliance is once again setting the agenda in the House of Commons. Look at what happened in less than two months since Parliament reopened:
— We bagged another Liberal cabinet minister when we drove the hapless Lawrence MacAulay to resign for violating the ethics guidelines.
— We broke Jean Chrétien’s chokehold on the House of Commons by getting the election of committee chairs and votes on all private members’ bills.
— We finally (!) got the Liberals to agree to set up a national registry for sex offenders.
But we can’t just relax and declare victory. We’re gearing up for the biggest struggle our party has faced since you entrusted me with the leadership. I’m talking about the “battle of Kyoto” — our campaign to block the job-killing, economy-destroying Kyoto Accord.
It would take more than one letter to explain what’s wrong with Kyoto, but here are a few facts about this so-called “Accord”:
— It’s based on tentative and contradictory scientific evidence about climate trends.
— It focuses on carbon dioxide, which is essential to life, rather than upon pollutants.
— Canada is the only country in the world required to make significant cuts in emissions. Third World countries are exempt, the Europeans get credit for shutting down inefficient Soviet-era industries, and no country in the Western hemisphere except Canada is signing.
— Implementing Kyoto will cripple the oil and gas industry, which is essential to the economies of Newfoundland, Nova Scotia, Saskatchewan, Alberta and British Columbia.
— As the effects trickle through other industries, workers and consumers everywhere in Canada will lose. THERE ARE NO CANADIAN WINNERS UNDER THE KYOTO ACCORD.
— The only winners will be countries such as Russia, India, and China, from which Canada will have to buy “emissions credits.” Kyoto is essentially a socialist scheme to suck money out of wealth-producing nations.
— On top of all this, Kyoto will not even reduce greenhouse gases. By encouraging transfer of industrial production to Third World countries where emissions standards are more relaxed, it will almost certainly increase emissions on a global scale.
For a long time, the Canadian Alliance stood virtually alone in opposing the Kyoto Accord, as Bob Mills, our senior environment critic, waged a valiant battle against it. Now, however, allies are stepping forward — eight of 10 provincial governments, and a broad coalition of businesses across Canada — to help us fight the ``battle of Kyoto.”
Jean Chrétien says he will introduce a resolution to ratify Kyoto into Parliament and get it passed before Christmas. We will do everything we can to stop him there, but he might get it passed with the help of the socialists in the NDP and the separatists in the BQ.
But the “battle of Kyoto” is just beginning. Ratification is merely symbolic; Kyoto will not take effect unless and until it is implemented by legislation. We will go to the wall to stop that legislation and at that point we will be on much stronger procedural ground than in trying to block a mere resolution.
The Reform Party defeated the Charlottetown Accord in an epic struggle in the fall of 1992. Now the Canadian Alliance is leading the battle against the Kyoto Accord!
But we can’t do it alone. It will take an army of Canadians to beat Kyoto, just as it did to beat Charlottetown.
We can’t stop Kyoto just in Parliament. We need your help at all levels. We need you to inform yourself about Kyoto, to discuss it with your friends and neighbours, and to write protest letters to newspapers and the government.
And, yes, we need your gifts of money. The “battle of Kyoto” is going to lead directly into the next election. We need your contribution of $500, or $250, or $100, or whatever you can afford, to help us drive the Liberals from power.
Yours truly,
Stephen Harper, MP
Leader of the Opposition
PS: The “battle of Kyoto” shows why the Canadian Alliance is so important to you and to Canada. All the other federal parties are supporting Kyoto (Liberals, NDP, BQ) or speaking out of both sides of their mouth (Tories). Only the Canadian Alliance is strong and fearless enough to block dangerous and destructive schemes like the Charlottetown Accord and the Kyoto Accord.

More Bboyism!

2006-12-15T13:17:00.000-05:00

Killafornia's on the left, Def Dogs from France are on the right. This is a sick battle with high energy and a nice mix of style and power.

A Nation of Who?

2006-12-11T22:33:00.000-05:00

For a long time it has weirded me out that the media reports on politics as though it were a sport rather than the actual governance of our country. We here about polls and speeches and tactics, but very little about the actual bills being passed or the thinking behind them. We hear about budgets in terms of who will be pleased and what they will mean in different regions. It seems, as of late, that politicians have gotten the message and given up on actually governing. The US congress has been reduced to a bizzarre contest to see who can sneak the most pork for their own constituents into utterly unrelated bills and things aren't much better in Canada. Perhaps the most disgusting example of politicking before governance came in Harper's recent recognition of Quebec as a nation.

First, having been out of the country for year's, Ignatieff brought up the idea as a way to score points in Quebec for his bid for the Liberal leadership, without caring too much if he was stirring up seperatists who had finally fallen quiet. Next the Bloc Quebecois picked up the idea and ran with it too the House of Commons, so as not to be outplayed by the liberals, and then Stephen Harper, who is more willing than anyone else to give massive handouts in order to retain power, decided that his government would write the bill themselves. Everyone was so quick to try to win votes in Quebec that they didn't even bother to define Quebecois before passing the motion.

The Globe and Mail observed, "that motion, which recognized the “Québécois” as a nation, was passed with a heavy majority in the Commons. Since then, however, politicians of all stripes have been weighing in on what they think it means."

The idea that you could pass a bill, without anyone bothering to define the most important terms within it is mind-boggling. It is really beginning to seem as though politicians have forgotten that their actions have consequences not only in the media, but in reality as well. They have become so obsessed with watching their reflection on television and in the newspapers that they have forgotten that the exist bodily as well.

As an aside, I would like to say that I was offended by how quickly and thoughtlessly this motion was ratified. It is opposed by a majority of Canadians. It is even opposed by the majority of francophones living outside of Quebec. Perhaps there are definitions of nation which would include the Quebecois. I am more than willing to accept that. But I cannot see how it is possible that the Quebecois are a nation but aboriginal tribes are not. They also have their own languages and cultures and goals. There own governance and geographical locations. And more than that they were nations before we came and created Canada. (The same is true of Quebec in a way, although they were a colony of France rather than an independent and indigenous nation.) If the Quebecois are a nation so are the Inuit and the Cree and the Ojibway and the Haida, and probably Chinese-Canadians as well, and people from Woodbridge, Hip-Hop Heads, bicycle couriers, leaf fans, snowboarders, swingers, trekkies, Hindus, Tamils, Jews, goths and people who still drive SUVs.

Bush Actually Read Something

2006-12-07T16:55:00.000-05:00

This is from the press conference that Bush and Blair held today to discuss the Iraq Study Group.

A reporter asked Bush if he was willing to take the report seriously.

His answer was bad news for John Stewart, because in all honesty, I think it's pretty much exactly what John would say in his shruggy-beady-eyed Bush impression.

I'm not shitting you. I'm not making this up and I'm not taking it out of context, when presented with this question the President of the United States said: "To show you how important this one is, I read it."

You can read the rest of his comments to see how little he managed to say in 30 seconds of circular vapid blubbering -- in which he appears to be surprised that the members of the commission didn't have something better to do in their "busy lives" than try to solve the problem of Iraq.

Q Mr. President, you have said that you have the Baker-Hamilton report, you also have the -- you're waiting to hear from the Pentagon, you're waiting to hear from the State Department. This report was prepared by a bipartisan group, the only one you'll get. Secretary Baker has a special relationship with the family. Should this report not get extra consideration? Does it not carry more weight than any of the others?

PRESIDENT BUSH: That's an interesting question. It's certainly an important part of our deliberations, and it was certainly an important part of our discussions this morning. Some reports are issued and just gather dust. And truth of the matter is, a lot of reports in Washington are never read by anybody.

To show you how important this one is, I read it, and our guest read it. The Prime Minister read -- read a report prepared by a commission. And this is important. And there are some -- I don't think Jim Baker and Lee Hamilton expect us to accept every recommendation. I expect them -- I think -- I know they expect us to consider every recommendation, Jim. We ought to pay close attention to what they advise. And I told them yesterday at our meeting that we would pay close attention, and would seriously consider every recommendation. We've discussed some of their recommendations here at this press conference. And we are -- we will spend a lot of time on it.

And I -- and so you ask its relative importance. I'd call it a very important report, and a very important part of our working to a new approach, a new way forward in Iraq.

And I can't -- I really do thank those citizens for taking time out of busy lives to spend time helping us look at different options. These are distinguished souls; they got plenty to do. They're busy people, and yet they took nine months out and they talked to a lot of people. They went to Iraq, they thought about it a lot, and it was a very considerate, important report. And I will take the recommendations very seriously.

A Joke

2006-12-04T13:13:00.000-05:00

I, the Right-Right-Left-Up-Down-Select-Start-Honourable Col. Matteus Von Mustard Esquire, have decided that today I shall present you with a joke instead of the usual apocalyptical nay-saying.

Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its condition is improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are illusional spin from the liberal media. Illuminating rooms is hard work. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effort. Why do you hate freedom?

Ha ha ha! We're so doomed.

God Toying with Innocent People's Lives

2006-12-01T17:40:00.000-05:00

What other explanation could there possibly be for this newscaster's unlucky existence. An article in a Cleveland newspaper is reporting that "It wasn't funny being a real TV reporter from Kazakhstan trying to cover Ohio's recent elections."

Fair enough, that would be difficult, but it doesn't, in itself, incontrovertibly demonstrate the existence of a divine being with a malignant sense of humour.

The newspaper continues -- "it didn't help that the Kazakh cameraman's first name was "Bolat."

I rest my case. We're all doomed, but it's gonna be goddamn funny.

Peace is the new Pentagram

2006-11-29T17:03:00.000-05:00

Just the other day, many major news sites were reporting on the goings-on within a Colorado Subdivision, where a broohaha was brewing regarding a Christmas wreath in the shape of the 'peace sign.' The subdivision's homeowner's association received a number of complaints about the wreath, which some residents apparently felt was an overly aggressive political statement. The board threatened to impose fines if the wreath wasn't removed.

Many would say that the board has lost its mind, but I, apocalologist number one, humbly disagree. The residents have agreed not to display symbols or statements of
a controversial nature on the outside of their homes and the board is simply enforcing this agreement. What is completely bonkers is that someone could be so defensive, so jumpy, so deeply entrenched in a position of bad faith, as to be offended by a peace sign.

A peace sign. What's to be offended by? Perhaps one could argue that war is sometimes necessary and that certain situations require military intervention. But a peace sign is simply a wish for a less violent world, a world where such problems don't arise. Anyone who is offended by a peace sign has committed themselves to a position where they clearly believe in war-for-the-sake-of-war and/or in a war that has no justification beyond its own existence.

But now look all ye merry gentlemen, a peace symbol is at the center of a great conflict.

Surely we have reached the end of days, if signs are beginning to invert themselves and imply their own negation.

VIA: Huffington Post

My Aperogies

2006-11-17T12:17:00.000-05:00

mmm....

anyhoo.

my readers have informed me that the bboying clip was broken so i've replaced it with three others. scroll down to "2 elements Attain perfection"

What is Our True Porpoise?

2006-11-15T01:29:00.000-05:00

"Scientists have taught dolphins to combine both rhythm and vocalisations to produce music, resulting in an extremely high-pitched, short version of the Batman theme song."

Here's the LINK

Thanks to boingboing.net

Neo-Cons hate Democracy

2006-11-09T23:45:00.000-05:00

Many neo-cons are true fascists -- they believe in taking power by any means necessary, even if the American people don't want them to have it.

For starters, the Republican National Committee spent the last week leading up to the election making illegal automated phone-calls, which on the outside appeared to come from Democratic candidates. If the victim hung-up, they were auto-dialled twenty additional times in an attempt to irritate them into voting Republican.

On Election Day, right-wing radio host Laura Ingraham encouraged her listeners to prank-call the Democratic Voter Protection hotline in an attempt to blot out real calls of distress from people having trouble voting.

In Virginia on the morning of the election many Democratic voters received friendly phone calls telling them where there polling station was. Unfortunately they were mainly told streets that did not exist. Luckily, Jimm Webb still managed to win a seat in the Senate, although it was only by a few hundred votes. If Republican supporters had been slightly smarter and given real addresses which did not contain polling stations, it might have been different.

In Florida, the cheating was more audacious and more effective is well. Congressman Vern Buchanan, who has already announced his victory was elected by some sort of electronic cheating. The New York Times is reporting "that more than 18,000 voters in Sarasota County, or 13 percent of those who went to the polls Tuesday, did not seem to vote in the Congressional race when they cast ballots, a discrepancy that Kathy Dent, the county elections supervisor, said she could not explain.

In comparison, only 2 percent of voters in one neighboring county within the same House district and 5 percent in another skipped the Congressional race, according to The Herald-Tribune of Sarasota. And many of those who did not seem to cast a vote in the House race did vote in more obscure races, like for the hospital board."

Furthermore, many Democratic voters who were succesful had difficulty in getting their vote to register and had to return to the beginning of the electronic ballot an vote a second time in order to make the computer register their vote.

The New York Times is also reporting that "a preliminary review by The Herald-Tribune found that if Ms. Jennings had won the same percentage of the 18,000 missing votes as she did among counted votes in Sarasota County, she would have won the race by about 600 votes instead of losing by 373."

The problem had been observed in early voting and Ms. Jennings campaign wrote to the
the county elections supervisor requesting an independent test of the machines, but they were ignored. Currently, the county elections supervisor is refusing to answer questions from the media.

But it gets better. Guess who gets to decide if their should be a recount? A committee consisting of Jeb Bush and two other Republican officials. What could be more insane than a country which doesn't have any sort of non-partisan election oversight whatsoever? Who in the entire world wouldn't think it was a good idea to have some sort of indepent agency to monitor and regulate elections? Cheaters, that's who. The US election system is broken and it needs to be fixed.

2 Elements Attain Perfection

2006-11-05T15:53:00.000-05:00

Both Deejaying and Bboying seem to perhaps have acheived their perfect forms, when I observe the perfect emcee and the perfect piece of graffiti I will really begin to worry that God wants nothing more of us and will shut down our simulation.

LUIGI -- Old SChool Flavour with New School Technique

AMMENDMENT -- This Video is the same dancer, it's not Quite as Good,
but it Actually Works!

AMMENDMENT 2

To make up for the broken link, here's four and a half minutes of koreans flying around.

AND nine minutes of koreans pretending to be marionettes!

DJ CRAZE -- holymotherfunkinwhatthefunk

Ninja Lawmakers!

2006-11-03T00:24:00.000-05:00

From the nytimes:

The New York Times is reporting that a mysterious Senator or Congressman snuck an ammendment into a bill closing down the main Auditing Agency in Iraq. This is the agency that discovered that tens of thousands of weapons have gone missing and that keeps a close eye on contractors spending US development dollars.

"Investigations led by a Republican lawyer named Stuart W. Bowen Jr. in Iraq have sent American occupation officials to jail on bribery and conspiracy charges, exposed disastrously poor construction work by well-connected companies like Halliburton and Parsons, and discovered that the military did not properly track hundreds of thousands of weapons it shipped to Iraqi security forces.

And tucked away in a huge military authorization bill that President Bush signed two weeks ago is what some of Mr. Bowen’s supporters believe is his reward for repeatedly embarrassing the administration: a pink slip."

"Susan Collins, a Maine Republican who followed the bill closely as chairwoman of the Senate Committee on Homeland Security and Government Affairs, says that she still does not know how the provision made its way into what is called the conference report, which reconciles differences between House and Senate versions of a bill.

Neither the House nor the Senate version contained such a termination clause before the conference, all involved agree.

“It’s truly a mystery to me,” Ms. Collins said. “I looked at what I thought was the final version of the conference report and that provision was not in at that time.”"

WHAT? What kind of a crazy system is that where ammendments can be snuck into bills just before they become laws with literally no record of who made the changes!!!

Seriously. Think about that. If you could find a place to hide under a desk or something in the congress and you brought a pen, who knows, maybe you could be a lawmaker too.

Reverse Graffiti

2006-11-02T12:12:00.000-05:00

from the lovely and debonaire boingboing.net:

LINK IS HERE

An artist in Leeds has been writing messages and drawing images on public walls, without the least bit of property damage. He is strategically cleaning away caked-on grime into the shapes of letters. His letters stand out almost as well as spray-paint, and yet, if anything, he has made the owners job slightly easier should they ever choose to clean it. Apparently he only uses water and a stiff brush.

It's writing in dusty windshields times a thousand.

Have we as a society reached a point of activity saturation that is so intense that we can only communicate by tearing away old layers of residue? Do we now make so much noise that silence is more noticeable than a loud declaration? Welcome to the mirror years, I will be your guide.

Harper's Name Games

2006-10-13T11:03:00.000-04:00

Here's an article about the fact that Harper still hasn't announced how much money Canada will give to help fight AIDS in the developing world. Remember the AIDS conference a few months ago? The one which Harper chose not to attend because he was worried he might catch gay? And then when people criticized him, he got all huffy about it and announced he was going to make a very generous pledge to help fight AIDS but that he wouldn't announce it now because the situation was too 'politicized'? Well he still hasn't ponied up. Christ, I hope he does catch gay.

And here's another article about the Torie's much-vaunted "Made in Canada" Hot Air Pollution Plan. Well according to a team of environmental lawyers who studied a leaked copy of the 'plan' -- "Based on the draft reviewed, this bill is mainly housekeeping and minor adjustments in language. It shuffles air pollution and greenhouse gas provisions to a new section of CEPA."

This is how Harper works, he announces that his government is developing plans and programs that don't exist, and then repeats their names until everyone thinks they do exist.

Like all Neo-conservatives he is more concerned with running the media than with running the country.

Youtube be praised!

2006-10-11T12:26:00.000-04:00

Youtube be praised! The video which the industrial food machine didn't want you to see is BACK! This is why chicken is so cheap. Buy free-range when you can.

OPEC

2006-10-11T11:56:00.000-04:00

So, for a long time, I thought, maybe this war in Iraq wasn't about oil. I thought, hmmm, maybe this war happened just because W. was a psychopath. But then, just today, I noticed something. While Iraq has managed to train a police force, rebuild it's army (sort of), write a constitution and hold elections, they haven't joined OPEC.

OPEC is a cartel of oil-producing nations that regulates oil prices in their favour (to the disadvantage of the US) but self-imposing quotas to all member nations when prices begin to drop. The members are Algeria, Indonesia, Iran, Iraq, Kuwait, Libya, Nigeria, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, the United Arab Emirates, and Venezuela. Right now, they're discussing cutting production, but the Saudis are hesitant because there's an election coming up and George and his family have been sucking them off for thirty years.

Why hasn't Iraq joined OPEC? They have nothing but oil, they don't have the infrastructure to exceed quotas anyway and high oil prices are their only hope for rebuilding their country.

(It's not that I don't believe W. is a psychopath. I'm pretty sure he is. How else could he be so cynical and sarcastic and down-right jovial in the face of the death and torture and destruction that surrounds him everyday?)

Fuck you, Meng!

2006-10-10T11:24:00.000-04:00

Cheney's Speech from a Recent Repuglican Convention

Dancing in the Streets

2006-10-05T14:32:00.000-04:00

Matthew, my less-than occasional, less-than sensational editor, has been more distracted than usual lately, because he has gone off on another one of his quixotic campaigns to engage in his bizarre hobbies. He would like me to inform all of you that should you actually want to learn to spin on your head, he is now teaching classes at The Street Dance Academy. You can go to the website by clicking here.

[Ed. Note -- SDA teaches many styles of dance, including breaking, lindy-hop and street-tap. So if you're looking for a fun way to keep active during the winter, check it out.]

"Who are these children Congressman? Who are these children?"

2006-10-04T00:40:00.000-04:00

Presumably you have heard that Republican Congressman Mark Foley has resigned after it came to light that he sent very inappropriate text messages to several teenage pages. It's a sad story, Congressman Foley was abused as a child himself.

What is not sad or tragic, but purely despicable is Tom Reynolds, Chairman of the National Republican Congressional Committee. Tom knew about the messages months ago and he did basically nothing, or rather he told some other Republicans including Dennis Hastert (the Speaker of the House) and they collectively decided to do nothing. In particular, they decided not to mention it to the Pages Committee, which is bipartisan and thus includes a Democrat, who might, perhaps, have blown the whistle and prevented further abuses.

So, a few days ago, when the scandal broke in the media, Mr. Reynolds realizes that he's going to have to have a press conference to discuss the matter, but he doesn't want it to get to heated. He certainly wouldn't want anyone in the press to actually read out the graphic text messages that he knew about and covered up, so he, and i'm not making this up, brings a whole lot of children up on stage with him.

In the video a reporter asks if he could ask the children to leave so that they could actually discuss the topic at hand. Reynolds says he's happy to take any questions, but he won't ask any of his "supporters," who are mainly six and seven years old, to leave. This is fucked up beyond words. Just watch.

"Who are these children Congressman? Who are these children?"

laughter of DOOM

2006-10-01T17:46:00.000-04:00

Maher Arar

2006-09-25T10:55:00.000-04:00

I'm sure all you have heard of Maher Arar, the Canadian Citizen who was placed on a security watchlist by the RCMP based on shakey evidence and then held at an airport in the US and deported to Syria where he was tortured until he confessed everything. Except he didn't confess, because he was innocent.

Our parlaiment, our prime minister and our police force have all stepped up and apologized. Admittedly an apology means virtually nothing after a mistake of this magnitude, but what is truly appalling is America's silence on this issue. The Republicans are busy drumming up some sort of compromise about torture in secret prisons, being 'compassionate conservatives' and all, but their bill makes no explicit mention of 'extraordinary renditions' which is in fact their preferred method of torture, because it lets them keep their hands clean.

Now I was under the impression that this was a massive gaffe by the RCMP, that we told the Americans he was a terrorist and that's why they did what they did. However, reading this NYtimes article I've realized that that's not how it happened at all.

The RCMP did put Mr. Arar on a watchlist and they did tell the Americans that he had had contact with suspected terrorists. HOWEVER, while Mr. Arar was being detained in the United States Canadian police came forward and "An Oct. 4 fax to the F.B.I. from Canadian counterterrorism officials said that they “had yet to complete either a detailed investigation of Mr. Arar or a link analysis on him,” and that “while he has had contact with many individuals of interest to this project we are unable to indicate links to Al Qaeda.” The RCMP suggested that the FBI allow Mr. Arar return to Canada where he would be put under surveillance.

Instead the Americans sent Mr. Arar to Syria to be tortured without telling the RCMP until it was too late.

We made a big mistake, but the FBI committed a crime.

Now admittedly, we're not sure if the FBI had some other intelligence, because they refused to cooperate with the RCMP Commision into the tradedy (which is suspicious in itself), but even if they did have 'intelligence' that might not mean much. After all they had 'intelligence' that suggested Saddam Hussein was building Nuclear Bombs and playing poker with Osama Bin Laden and was planning to reanimate Stalin.

I'm glad Stephen Harper has apologized to Mr. Arar for our government's mistake, but where is the condemnation of the US police state? A Canadian Citizen was stolen from us against our wishes, taken to a prison in the Middle East and tortured. Does this remind you of the igniting cause of any major wars that occured this summer? Israel bombed Lebanon into the Stone Age and we can't even muster up a pointed letter to the US Congress? Certainly that was a bit of hyperbole (but that's why you're here) we can only hope that the Americans intentions were as pure as they can be when you're torturing someone, we can only hope that they genuinely believed torturing Mr. Arar could help them save a lot of lives, but still, and I'm going to repeat this, the American Government stole one of our citizens against our wishes and tortured him.

These are our allies? This is the government we're dying for in Afghanistan because they've sunk all their troops into a gigantic quagmire based on made-up 'intelligence' and their psychotic president's desire to win the war his daddy started?

Why aren't we calling for George Bush's head on a platter?

Am I missing something here?

Is Stephen Harper such a weasel that he's waiting until after the US election to make a stink about this? He wouldn't want Americans hearing that his fellow 'compassionate conservatives' have been indiscriminately torturing their allies, now would he?

Don't get me a wrong, there are a lot of kind and caring Americans, hundreds of millions of them, but we are not helping out the average American by kowtowing to George Bush. We help the average American by standing up for what we both believe in -- truth, democracy and freedom. All of which are being consistently shat upon by the American government.

Children Grow Up So Fast

2006-09-20T11:31:00.000-04:00

Time is coming unwravelled look at what these toddlers can do!

25 Month Old BBOY

4 Year Old DRUMMER

Irrational Terror

2006-09-18T10:34:00.000-04:00

The police kill more people per year than terrorists do. Presumably 30 or 40 % of them are criminals, but still.

Thanks boing boing.

Look at this!

2006-09-16T14:40:00.000-04:00

There's an article about me in the Wall Street Journal because of the order I put in for a complete set of Flora Danica china inscribed with Hippopotami. Of course, I placed the order under a pseudonym.

They're rather handsome don't you think?

They only set me back $400,000.

Unfortunately the WSJ article is for subscribers only, but you can read about it here.

DVD Advertisements

2006-09-13T11:48:00.000-04:00

The other day I rented Brokeback Mountain. When I sat down to watch it, I was instead treated to a car advertisement. Somewhat irked, I pressed skip. The ad continued. I pressed the menu button. The ad continued. Universal Pictures had disabled the DVD. This is akin to selling me a car that only goes backwards for the first ten seconds after I start the engine, allowing me either to sit and wait or back through the wall of my garage. After thinking about this for a moment I realized the only place I could get movies that weren't broken was by pirating them from the internet or buying copies in Chinatown. And that's just what I intend to do. I encourage everyone to copy and paste this simple message onto your own blogs.

_______________________________________________

Dear Movie and Music Industry Idiots,

Please stop making products that are worse than the products that are available for free. Many of us believe in paying for art and we would like to do so, except all your CDs are fucked up beyond repair with idiotic DRM and your DVDs are defiled by unskippable ads.

I hereby pledge that for each time I encounter an advertisement on a DVD
I will download or otherwise pirate the next three films I was considering purchasing. Likewise, I will inspect the CDs I'm thinking about buying and download any that are encoded with DRM instead of spending my money on a broken product.

Yours Truly,

Matteus Von Mustard

Accountability

2006-09-06T11:30:00.000-04:00

Remember the Federal Accountability Act? The Stephen Harper promise that pretty much got him elected? The promise to clean up Ottawa and cut down on corruption, that had voters chomping at the bit to boot out the supposedly incorrigibly corrupt Liberals. Well, according to the Globe and Mail, current and former ethics commisioners agree that it is in many ways less stringent than the previous code of conduct. For example instead of only being allowed to accept gifts from 'close personal friends,' MPs will be able to accept gifts from any and all 'friends.' Just imagine the immense girth that the term 'friend' will come to have in a court of law!

'Sure he's my friend. If he wasn't my friend why would he buy me a yacht? You don't buy yachts for your enemies. Unless they're exploding yachts, but that's neither here nor there.'

I'm still waiting for Stephen Harper to do something right. Although I guess he increased funding to Harbourfront, to be fair.

Read the article here.

Taking Action #4

2006-08-26T11:27:00.000-04:00

Oh lord, these have been few and far between. But this is something helpful and easy. If you are concerned about over-fishing and the gradual death of our oceans, go to the David Suzuki Foundation website and download this guide to fish consumption, so that you may know which species remain in abundance, and which you should expect to pay more for ... i mean, not eat at all... heh, heh, hmmmm..... oh god how I love the buttery flavour of albino dolphins.

Flaherty Doesn't Want to Fund TTC

2006-08-22T10:56:00.000-04:00

Jim Flaherty, the man who once proposed special cops as a way to deal with the homeless, has stated that the funding for the TTC extension to York, the single most sensible thing the TTC has done in twenty years, is not certain. Even though it was in the May budget that he outlined. Instead, he would like to extend the 407 into his riding. Way to go Harper and Co.

Link in Toronto Star

Cinematic Masterpiece

2006-08-19T12:14:00.000-04:00

And lo, there has come upon us a film which is the apex of film achievement, a film which manages to capture in a mere hour and a half all the details and beauties and pains and vagueries of human life, a film with labyrinths built from time and labyrinths built from sand, a film with scientists and soldiers, homesteaders, airplanes, the ocean, oases, sand, homes swallowed by sand, great, endless shifting dunes, births, deaths, chopin, goats, donkeys, oxen and water-buffalo. The stars the sun, the moon, fish and salt and fruit, fine china, old photographs and tape recorders. Sneakers, bare feet, crashing waves, the beating, throbbing sun and the constant whistling of an infernal wind. A film which has somehow distilled, titrated and displayed upon the screen the very Essence of One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Go and see this film, for we have nothing left to achieve. It is "The House of Sand" and when it is forgotten, so shall the world pass away into obscurity. Don't see the trailer, instead, enter into the dark womb of the theatre without preconceptions or expectations and allow yourself to be carried away by the play of coloured light upon the silver screen.

Or, watch this cartoon about a stick-figure running amok within a computer-animation program.

New Species of DOOM!

2006-08-18T13:33:00.000-04:00

Recently a New Species of Sea Anenome was discoverd. Perhaps this is not surprising to you, afterall the ocean floor is vast and extensive and sunk beneath miles of murky brine. Well, your lack of surprise would be warranted had scientists found the anenome deep in the Marianas Trench. However, the honest truth is that the anenome was discovered on EBAY.

The bounties of the seven seas now pale in comparison to the infinite ocean of EBAY!

We have reached a point now where EBAY contains things unknown to science and there is now no turning back! We in the Western World are officially buying things faster than we can name them! Is that not a sign of the apocalypse? Who knows what sorts of mutants will soon be created by the wild and wooly word of Internet Commerce!

Behold: A JACKALOPE!
A GHOST IN A WINE BOTTLE
A FISH WITH A MAN'S FACE.

The New Iraq

2006-08-10T10:35:00.000-04:00

Several years ago, George W. Bush told the American people that Iraq was a haven for terrorists and a great threat to American security. In fact, it was the tyrannical empire of a madman who hated Al-Qaeda. A country where no one could so much as sneeze without alerting the police and where anyone building bombs and plotting terrorists actions would probably be executed under suspicion that they were trying to assassinate Sadaam.

But the Bush administration's lies were repeated ad-nauseum by a fear-mongering, quasi-fascist media and the American people soon came to believe them. George started a war. So far it has cost the lives of two thousand five hundred American soldiers and between forty and forty five thousand Iraqi civilians. It has also cost American tax payers well over $300 000 000 000. Because W. was obsessed with Rummy's obsession with a 'streamlined' military, the borders were not properly sealed at the beginning of the American occupation. Foreign weapons and foreign terrorists crossed into Iraq with impunity. Because of the massive and utterly predictable looting that ensued the US lost the sympathy of the average Iraqi. Because there weren't enough troops to maintain security they couldn't get water and electricity and other necessities up and running for countless months. The average Iraqi became frustrated and angry. Without infrastructure the economy has failed to pick-up and millions of young males are out of work, idle and increasingly vulnerable to extremist views. Widespread raping and torturing of Iraqi civilians didn't help much either. Now, a civil war is brewing and it looks like it's only a matter of time before the US pulls out, having created in reality, the very terrorist haven that once existed only in the deceitful proganda of the Bush administration.

In light of this inexecusable debacle, George W.'s staffers are, honest to God, drawing up legislation to protect his various cronies from charges of War Crimes. Read the article here.

Worst. President. Ever.

Grammar!

2006-08-08T01:57:00.000-04:00

Here's a little something to give nightmares to all the lawyers out there. A punctuation error in a contract drafted by Rogers' lawyers is about to cost the company 2.13 million dollars! Article here.

Lebanon and the Apocalypse

2006-07-24T09:36:00.000-04:00

Many people believe the current conflict in Lebanon is a sign of the apocalypse and the beginning of world-wide armageddon. There is great and heated discussion amongst various "raptuready" web forums about the imminence of the second coming. I have some bad news for those of you already packing your spiritual bags -- the rapture will not happen in the near future. Indeed, while the Book of Revelations is useful source material for eschatological analysis, it is not nearly as reliable as the Norse discussion of Ragnarok and tends to produce premature estimations of the end of times, making you look not unlike a teenager on prom-night. But even outside of my extensive occult knowledge, I can produce evidence based on recent history that this is not the end of times. After the 1982 invasion of Lebanon by Israel, Southern Lebanon was occupied by the Israeli army for EIGHTEEN FREAKING YEARS. The number of those years during which Our Lord and Saviour returned was none. What's more, during this entire period no one in the United States gave two shits about what was going on.

So, to all those who have arrived in my reality-based corner of the blogosphere I will make you something of a bet. Pick a date, any date, on which you believe the rapture will occur and mail me a post-dated cheque for the amount of your expected bank balance on that date. You certainly won't need to pay once you've been picked up by your Lord and Saviour in his ultra-massive super-hummer. Jesus Christ doesn't go dutch with anybody.

Please make cheques payable to: Col. Matteus Von Mustard Esq.
And mail them to me at the following address:
1 King West -- Invisible Super-Penthouse, Observatory and Zepellin Port
Toronto Ontario
Canada

In the case that the rapture should occur at any time during the next year, I hereby swear to donate 66.6% of my not inconsiderable personal fortune to establish an International Academy of Intelligent Design.

And, for my more reasonable and good-humoured readers, I leave you with some interesting tidbits from the American Media, both webby and non-webby:

Fox News, in an effort to pander to US evangelicals without slipping into the journalistic equivalent of reporting stories word-for-word from The Brothers' Grimm, have started referring to the current conflict as World War III. You can take a look at Stephen Colbert's take on their reporting here. Thanks to the wonderful folks at Crooks and Liars.

On RaptureAlert.com we discover the little known fact that apparently the EU is the Roman Empire.

"The European Union, the revived Roman Empire, is alive today and moving steadily toward the fulfillment of this prophecy as seen in Daniel 7: 23: "The fourth beast shall be the fourth kingdom upon earth, which shall be diverse from all kingdoms, and shall devour the whole earth, and shall tread it down, and break it in pieces." The Antichrist who will lead this world government (after the rapture of the Christian Church takes place) will be a leader from the European Union as seen in Daniel 9:26. He will be of the people who destroyed the city of Jerusalem and its sanctuary in AD 70, the Romans."

Ghetto Tax

2006-07-19T11:27:00.000-04:00

Money Mart. "Rent-to-Own." Higher Insurance Premiums. Worse Interest Rates. These are just a few of the ways that the poor get to pay MORE for the same goods and services that the middle class can obtain at lower prices.

The New York Times is reporting on a recent study performed in the United States showing that "poor urban residents frequently pay hundreds if not thousands of dollars a year in extra costs for everyday necessities."

I have suggested before that there are various flaws in capitalism, but this is totally fucked up. In general, there is not as much money to be made in poor neighborhoods, so the businesses that do open up there charge a huge premium for the risk they are taking.

There used to be people who opened businesses in these neighborhoods because they lived there. There used to be businesses that weren't myopically focussed on seizing a good return for shareholders. That is no longer true. Even in Toronto, there have been articles in the Toronto Star about the migration of banks out of poorer neighborhoods. If you can't open a bank account near your house and you don't drive a car, chances are you're going to have trouble getting your finances in order. If there's no grocery store near you, your going to be more tempted to buy that $18 box of cereal at 7-11.

It should be easier to get by if you are poor not harder. Investors need to start investing there money in things they can be proud of that might return 8% a year instead of 11%, rather than giving their money to slimy creeps like the folks at money mart.

And lo, when I blow my conch, all shall tremble!

2006-07-10T13:04:00.000-04:00

What revelry! What jubilation! What jamborification! I thank the wondrousful folks at newmindspace for their portentous party Flight of Fancy last Friday! I also thank "Johnny Bender" for capturing my startlingly handsome profile! He was taking great risk, for even inanimate objects often fall in love with me. Many a camera has refused to record anyone else after seeing me but once.

Such fun was had by all and sundry!

And one for the road, snapped by Codex Lagman

Disney Pictures Goes back to its Roots

2006-06-23T11:56:00.000-04:00

Well, we all knew that good ol' Walt was a National Socialist in the good ol' flags and fuhrers sense of the word, but what I didn't realize was just how much of that old fashioned disney magic was still alive today.

Others

2006-06-14T23:26:00.000-04:00

In "The Analytical Language of John Wilkins," Jorge Luis Borges describes 'a certain Chinese Encyclopedia,' the Celestial Emporium of Benevolent Knowledge, in which it is written that animals are divided into:

1. those that belong to the Emperor,
2. embalmed ones,
3. those that are trained,
4. suckling pigs,
5. mermaids,
6. fabulous ones,
7. stray dogs,
8. those included in the present classification,
9. those that tremble as if they were mad,
10. innumerable ones,
11. those drawn with a very fine camelhair brush,
12. others,
13. those that have just broken a flower vase,
14. those that from a long way off look like flies.

BE WARNED DEAR READERS! BE WARNED!

Holy Batbombs Batman!

2006-06-06T11:10:00.000-04:00

During World War II, keep in mind this is entirely true, the US military was developing a bat bomb. This bomb would basically be a cardboard box on a parachute filled with hundreds of bats. Honestly. Each of the bats would have a collar with a time-delayed explosive so that, hours later, as dawn crept into the sky and they snuck into attics and eaves and various nooks and crannies to sleep, hundreds of Japanese homes over a forty mile radius would inexplicably burst into flames at once. How creepy and magical a weapon would that have been? What's more since the charges would be small, most people would survive, especially since bats tend not to bed with men and women, the civilians of Japan would be able to evacuate their houses before they burned to the ground. Thus the bomb would destroy vast amounts of property with killing civilians.

Unfortunately, while scientists were working out the intricacies of the Bat Bomb, some other scientists finished up their work on an Atom Bomb, which was easier to complete because a Bat is so much larger and more complicated than an Atom. In fact there are millions of atoms inside every Bat and hundreds of Bats inside every Bat Bomb, so clearly the complexity of the Bat Bomb would be hundreds of millions of times that of the Atom Bomb.

Think of what a wonderful world we might live in, if the United States had defeated Japan with a Bat Bomb instead of an Atom bomb. The hills surrounding Chernobyl would still be liveable, albeit constantly dark from a twenty foot thick cloud of bats. And think how great the Godzilla movies would have turned out had they been inspired by a deep-seated fear of Bat bombs rather than Atom bombs? And what of the technology we might find all around us today? Armadillo cars and Chicken telephones no longer seem so unattainable. Surely, it is a sign of our impending doom that we chose the wrong path at that critical juncture of human history.

Thanks and praises to the Athanasius Kircher Society.

Evil genius?

2006-05-30T09:36:00.000-04:00

The globe and mail is reporting that on the issue of climate change, Rosa Ambrose has this to say -- "I am really glad that the Conservatives were elected so that we can make sure that the pipe-dream plan goes up in smoke."

Is that for real? Does she have that little sense of the implications of hre words or is our Environment Minister a witty smog-queen evil genius who takes pleasure in destroying the planet?

Harpers Remedial Media Relations

2006-05-26T14:30:00.000-04:00

So there was a brew-ha-ha in Ottawa last weekend, wherein Harper requested the names of all the reporters who wanted to ask questions so he could approve or deny them like a little proto-fascist Bush-style 'town hall.' Apparently Canadians don't care. Current polling suggests he would acheive a majority if an election were called today. And what's more, look at this:

From a totally non-scientific globe and mail internet poll:

Prime Minister Stephen Harper has accused the national media of being biased against him, do you agree?

Yes (54%) 21422 votes
No (46%) 18566 votes

Are You KIDDING ME? (As the Swirsk would say) The press pool suggested that they could organize themselves and offer a list of which reporters would ask questions in what order, rather than the usual scrum, but this wasn't enough for Harper. he wanted to have the final say on who could and could not ask him questions. To treat the media with such contempt is the most dishonest of neo-con tactics.

My question is, do you think the people answering this poll didn't know what happened? Do they think it is appropriate the Prime Minister have the power to pick and choose what questions he answers from the Media? Honestly can anyone give me a sense of what these people are thinking?

I'm totally RAGE-IFIED!

____________________________
I was slightly off-base on this one, it's not as bad as I thought at first. Edits are in italics.

The Baby Boomers shall be our Boom!

2006-05-11T10:29:00.000-04:00

Oh Lordy Lay, Oh Lordy Lie, look what I saw in the portentoscope this morning!

It seems clear to me that children from the 1950s have invented some sort of a time travel machine, perhaps involving a flux capacitor, but maybe not, anyway... they intend to come and destroy us with weapons disguised as toys. Otherwise the weather looks fine today.

Thanks to www.boingboing.net

He shall not destroy the earth in the middle of a song.

2006-05-05T11:32:00.000-04:00

Lo and Behold and also Rejoice! We shall not be destroyed for many a moon! Actually 7608 moons, by my, admittedly rough, calculations.

The Composer John Cage wrote and piece of music called "Organ2/ASLSP," commonly known as "As Slow As Possible." And LO! is it ever Slow! It is being played in a small town in Germany called Halberstadt as we speak and, assuming the goodwill of future generations, it will end sometime in 2640. Some parts of the organ haven't even been built yet, since those pipes won't be used for several decades.

Halberstadt is the home of Canned Hot Dogs, so anyone who calls them 'Vienna Sausages' is sadly misinformed.

The New York Times also reports as follows:

"For anyone keeping records, the performance is probably already the world's longest, even though it has barely begun. The organ's bellows began their whoosh on Sept. 5, 2001, on what would have been Cage's 89th birthday. But nothing was heard because the musical arrangement begins with a rest — of 20 months. It was only on Feb. 5, 2003, that the first chord, two G sharps and a B in between, was struck. Notes are sounding or ceasing once or twice a year — sometimes at even longer intervals — always on the fifth day of the month, to honor Cage, who died in 1992.

There are eight movements, and Cage specified that at least one be repeated. Each movement lasts roughly 71 years, just four years shy of the life expectancy of the average German male."

And later on, the good folks and NYT inform us that:
"All agree that nothing should interfere with the music. Solar power cells and a backup generator are on hand in case the electricity is interrupted. So far, the notes have flowed unimpeded."

One good and interesting thing about this piece, in addition to its ability to prevent the apocalypse, is the way in which it makes us question our society. In a world where we bustle about from this to that, demand hi-speed everything, and try to pack our days with eight zillion activities, isn't it nice to think about a single piece of music that will be playing for 600 years?

Now, my sweet and innocent little readers may wonder how this music shall save us from our doom. It is well-known to all, that if you dislike someone's music and wish to change it, you must wait until the end of the track to remove the needle from the grammaphone's disc! To cut a song sharply in the middle is unthinkably rude. Furthermore, know this, I have met God on a number of occassions and while He is many things, He is not a total jerk-ass. Therefore, we are free and clear for the remainder of this piece, for Lo -- He shall not destroy the earth in the middle of a song.

Harper's First Budget

2006-05-03T11:17:00.000-04:00

Man oh man, considering he has a Minority government, Harper's budget is pretty scary. To be honest, it's not that bad. But it would be hard to be really nasty when faced with a huge federal surplus and three opposition parties eager to pull you down. In fact the only thing that kept him alive was a promise to look at the fiscal imbalance between the federal and provincial governments and eventually hand over both money and responsibilities to the provinces -- which was enough to earn the Bloc Quebecois' support.

He cut the GST by one percent. Which is actually a good thing -- sales tax unfairly penalize the poor because they spend most of the money they take in and thus pay a higher percentage of their income to sales taxes. However, he also raised the tax in the lowest income bracket by 0.5%. The corporate tax rate however was lowered
from 21% to 19%. And he did various peculiar things with stock and investment taxation that I'm pretty sure can't help anyone but the rich.

He cut the funding to the national daycare program, choosing instead to give it to parents directly. Thus helping out anybody who can afford a nanny and screwing everyone else in the butt.

There was ZERO new funding for health care.

He clawed back about 75% of the money that the Liberals had promised to Native Peoples after an 18 month negotiation that ended late last year.

He cut all the Liberals spending on Climate Change and instead gave a tax-break for people buying metropasses. This will cost $370 million and is estimated to increase public transit use from 10.5% of daily commutes to 11%. It is estimated to cost $2000 per tonne of greenhouse gas emmission reduction.

From the Toronto Star:

The federal government says the $370 million tax credit will come from money reallocated from funds previously dedicated to climate change programs.

Some have criticized the plan ... because it may create more demand for transit, but it doesn't add to the supply of buses, streetcars and subways. That means already crowded vehicles will simply get more crowded, critics say.

And the tax credit does not apply to transit riders who buy weekly passes, day passes, tickets, tokens, or who pay cash.

To pay for this he cut all the money to our climate change research institute. So if you're curious to know what's going to happen to Canada as the plannet gets hotter and hotter and hurricanes and another anomalous weather formations increase. Too bad. Will it have an effect on our forests? Who knows. Our lakes and rivers? Our wildlife? Our farming? The Tories don't give a shit.

Now think what he would do if he had a majority.

Post Modernism infects British Courts

2006-04-28T10:35:00.000-04:00

My good friend Jurgen is no great fan of po-mo pompom shakers and other twentieth century theory-nuts and neither am I. The British Empire was built upon strong sturdy concepts like "identity, historical progress, epistemic certainty, gin and tonics and the univocity of meaning." Do you think a post-modernist could build a railroad? No. We'd end up with some kind of bricollage constructed from brightly-coloured model railroad parts from the fifties, arranged in a fractal pattern that only led back to where it started. You try to put a Class 7p 'Brittania' steam engine on a track like that and you'll crash into the ocean before you can say 'derridean dirigibles and gibbering gerbils!' My point is this: postmodernism is utterly useless and could never have collected the riches of africa and india in such a straightforward and efficient manner as modernism did. Certainly no one would question the value of that.

Anyway, the dark continent aside, the Stanford Dictionary of Philosophy puts Jurgen's position as such -- "On his view, postmodernism is an illicit aestheticization of knowledge and public discourse. Against this, Habermas seeks to rehabilitate modern reason as a system of procedural rules for achieving consensus and agreement among communicating subjects. Insofar as postmodernism introduces aesthetic playfulness and subversion into science and politics, he resists it in the name of a modernity moving toward completion rather than self-transformation."

Listen well, the Judge who was ruling on the Da Vinci Code plagiarism case has gone gaga for pomo! He embedded a code within his ruling, thus making a playful and parodic reference to the very book he was supposed to be passing judgement upon. Of all places to find this mephistophelean aesthetic playfulness a judicial judgement is the worst! Judgements are meant to be authoritarian and oh so serious! Why do you think they wear powdered wigs?!?!

The New York Times reports that "the first clue that a puzzle exists lies in the typeface of the ruling. Most of the document is printed in regular roman letters, the way one would expect. But some letters in the first 13½ pages appear in boldface italics, jarringly, in the midst of all the normal words." What in the name of Pith Helmets was he thinking? We all know full well that the text is a determinate and linear structure that constructs a single, cohesive meaning using words. You can't convey information with typesetting that's NONSENSE! How would a person know whether or not they were interpreting your sly insinuations correctly? Legal Documents are no place for conniving connotations to be hanging around and smoking cigarrettes on the corners of the paragraphs. All we have room for is well-behaved denotations, walking quickly and assuredly, with their heads down.

Of all the rational, Kantian, high-brow cultural institutions, I thought the British court system would hold out against the primitives (or postmodernists, same thing) forever, but alas, I was wrong, and thus, the end is near. Postmodernism itself is a sign of the apocalypse, but this, this might be the apocalypse's first tender trod upon our culture.

Anyhoo, you can go and read about the complicated and clever code in the New York Times, or you can go and read the Standford Dictionary of Philosophy's entry on Postmodernism so that you may know your enemy.

A Blizzard of Deception

2006-04-26T10:04:00.000-04:00

Well, this one pretty much writes itself... from the New York Times.

"Fox News Commentator Joins White House"

I mean, wow, do I really have to say anything?

The Great Leader has appointed Tony "I'm Even Whiter than My Last Name" Snow to the position of Press Secretary. Mr. Snow has opined that the Great Leader's "wavering conservatism has become an active concern among Republicans, who wish he would stop cowering under the bed and start fighting back. The newly passive George Bush has become something of an embarrassment." If tapping every phone in America without warrants is the work of a passive president, cowering under his bed, what exactly would 'fighting back' entail? It sounds to me like Mr. Snow is a fascist's fascist. He is what Mussolini hoped to be when he grew up and stopped wetting his bed.

However "Mr. Snow added, however, that Mr. Bush was 'the only figure who counts in American politics.'" Obviously! He's the Great Leader, he feeds us with his breath and clothes us with his thoughts. His word is law and his anger is love.

According to the Times, "The White House was hoping that Mr. Snow would use his television skills to take better advantage of the daily briefings so often televised live on cable news, giving the administration unfiltered time to push its points of the day."

It's a great idea, really. This way, they can cut the Media out of the loop entirely. I mean the next logical step is for the government to get it's own news channel... and since it will have the most accurate and up-to-date information, they probably ought to ban other media outlets as well, just so no one gets confused or anything.

Actually, what's scary is that the Republican machine has figured out how to control information while ostensibly leaving freedom of speech intact -- this move is so vile precisely for that reason. The White House now has a charismatic, concise, practiced Television voice to deliver its message in easily digestible sound-bites. The Major Media are far too lazy and disinterested in real journalism to do anything other than just repeat these clips ad nauseum without making even the slightest effort to analyze or investigate them. Get ready for twice as many bare-faced lies as ever before.

Star Wars Kid tips the Scales of Justice

2006-04-20T13:44:00.000-04:00

Ah dear readers, I'm sure that most of you are aware of Star Wars Kid and his immortal broom-stick-fatso-combat-dance. Please take a moment to click on the previous link and enjoy the ensuing performance. Afterwards, come back here and I will make you feel guilty about it.

What you may not know about Star Wars Kid is that, like all famous people, he is Canadian. In fact, he goes to high school in a medium-sized town in Quebec and his life was ruined by his unwanted internet-celebrity. He could no longer attend school because of the constant banging of fists upon tables and chanting of "Star Wars Kid, Star Wars Kid" that followed him everywhere he went. And indeed the phrase 'star wars kid' does make a particularly good chant. Try it now.

Well, lo and behold as well, he has settled out of court with the families of the boys who posted his video on the internet for hundreds of thousands of dollars. You can read more here.

Obviously this brings to mind the philosopher Hannah Arrendt, who invented the phrase 'the banality of evil.' Her phrase referred particularily to Nazi Germany, but can be applied in any situation where atrocities are committed with organization and disinterest of a bureaucracy. It calls to mind the men who must have laboured over complicated train schedules to transport jews to concentration camps -- in such situations it is possible for genuine evil to disappear within a mundane task -- such that a person's emotional and moral sense is disrupted, the consequences of the action are horrible, but the action itself is quite tame.

Now I'm not going to label your watching of the Star Wars Kid's video, but what I am suggesting is that we need another new term for a new sort of moral ground that is developing in our world. In all honesty, the boys who posted the video didn't really do much. It was a harmless, although slightly mean, high school prank, it should not have caused hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of emotional damage. What happened is that the prank was magnified via the magic of the webernet.

In order to demonstrate to you the magnificatory powers of the webernet, I draw your attention to the website One Red Paperclip, wherein a young gentleman is soliciting trades of all kinds, beginning with a single paperclip, with the intention of trading his way up to a house. So far, he has obtained a year of free rent in Phoenix and along the way he has possessed, a keg of beer, a snowmobile, and enough studio time to record and produce an album. He has obtained this startling success, by inverting the process which has destroyed the life of the The Star Wars Kid, and distributing a great gain across a wide variety of people, such that no one feels particularly put-out. Other websites have met with similar success, such as the women who paid off a hundred thousand dollars of credit card debt by begging for pay-pal donations, or the man who held a very cute rabbit hostage and threatened to kill and eat it if he did not receive ten grand in donations within a few months.

To return to the topic at hand, it seems to me that we all are infinitesimally responsible for the destruction of Star Wars' Kids life. This is distinct from the situation of Nazi Bureaucrats who did untold harm through months and months of truly horrible, but mundane actions -- each one of us has only done Star Wars Kid a tiny amount of harm, indeed the harm we have each done is perhaps less than the pleasure we have gained.

What are we to make of being a tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny amount guilty? Human emotions were not designed to react to situations like this. The immorality of watching and laughing at this video is so negligible that we don't and perhaps shouldn't feel guilty about it. However, it isn't really the fault of those kids who put the video on the internet either... perhaps we all ought to pay three or four cents -- certainly a fair price for the delectable sight of sir chubsalot swinging his broom. To be honest, for once, even I am not sure how this dilemna can be resolved, but as internet-use increases, I think we will see more and more situations where culpability is split a thousand, ten thousand, even a million ways. This will be the moral dilemna of the future -- perhaps even the method of our destruction.

Harper's Cabinet Clamping Down on Free Speech

2006-04-14T14:03:00.000-04:00

A Scientist working with Environment Canada has written a science-fiction novel about a near-future global warming disaster that leads to a war with the United States. He was scheduled to talk about the book recently, but apparently Rosa Ambrose (our new environment minister) would rather nobody talked about "global warming" (it's a myth anyway) and sent him a letter demanding that, as an employee of Environment Canada, he cancel the talks.

Ostensibly, it is because people could be confused that this message was endorsed by the government as he is an employee of Environment Canada. Nevermind that he wasn't on the clock and that it's a science fiction novel. Get ready for lots more of this type of thing as part of the amazing 'message control' regime of Stephen Harper. Apparently Harper's plan to stop global warming is to pretend it isn't happening. This is the same strategy that the UN is using to stop the genocide in Sudan.

Link to the CBC article.

Plastic and Gold

2006-04-10T11:56:00.000-04:00

I offer you a quote from nastradamus --

"And lo, in the days leading unto the end there shall come into our world such a toy as has never existed before. It shall be in the image of a killer, but it shall have also the face of an apparition, spirit or ghost. It shall have a flesh of plastic, but it shall also be bound with chains of forged gold. And this doll shall carry a chalice of pure gold and this chalice shall be embedded with Swarovski crystals. And lo, through some sort of pull-string sorcery this doll shall speak phrases such as 'Yo bitch, I fucked your friend, ya you stank ho.' And lo this doll of a killer with the face of a ghost shall cost nigh-unto 500 hundred American dollars. $500 dollars for a fucking doll!"

And now, once again, the words of the prophet have come true.
Ghostface Killa Doll
Also, I kind of want one.

Our Doom Is Born Upon 100 Writhing Legs

2006-04-07T14:39:00.000-04:00

Good god. They are here. If they continue to grow our time on this earth will be limited and we will all die in a more disgusting and shameful way than even I would have imagined possible. This video shows a real-life incarnation of the darkest fantasies of Peter Jackson.

WARNING! -- Do NOT view this video if you are eating or in anyway squeamish or afraid of bugs. You're mind shall be shattered and splintered into a zillion tiny shards.

Giant Centipede kills and eats Mouse.

Thanks, or perhaps a great heap of curses, go to the Kircher Society, a cabinet-of-curiousities-type-blog displaying the various weirdnesses and anomalies of the modern world and the recent past.

Jailing Journalists in Canada

2006-03-31T11:26:00.000-05:00

"Stephen Harper's back-benchers are mostly lunatics." That is the type of biased and distortionary comment that Conservative back-bencher Colin Mayes thinks should have me thrown in jail. He is clearly a sane and intelligent man.

The Globe and Mail has reprinted sections of a brilliant and well-thought out article which was published by various smaller newspapers in his glorious home riding.

It is a fact that Mr. Mayes stated the following, “maybe it is time that we hauled off in handcuffs reporters that fabricate stories, or twist information and even falsely accuse citizens.”

It is also a fact that he said, in what appears to me (subjectively) to be a jovial tone, “boy, would the public get accurate and true information if a few reporters were hauled away to jail!”

He then, being the shrewd politician that he says, went on to suggest that these sort of moral and upstanding policies could never be implemented “because the media would cry ‘censorship' and ‘authoritarian state'."

I would observe, quite factually and without any distortion, that most authoritarian states do in fact jail journalists, whereas most free and democratic states do not. Not that I'm implying anything, Mr. Mayes sir.

Beyond that dear readers, you are on your own. I've spent some time in the joint and I tell you what, I ain't going back! How much time you ask? Have you heard of the Count of Monte Cristo? That was me. The man in the Iron Mask? Me as well. The Unabomber? Oh... clearly that wasn't me. Another man is in jail for that, so, uh, he must have done it.

Swabmeat Swapmeet!

2006-03-27T13:10:00.000-05:00

For those of you who have read Margaret Atwood's prescient and deliciously apocalyptical novel 'Oryx and Crake,' wherein chicken breasts are grown by the dozen upon bizarre entities with legs that are engineered into roots, mouths that are always open and fed with a constant stream of nutrients, hearts and lungs, but no brains or wings or feathers, the idea of science blurring the boundaries between plants and animals will come as no great surprise. For those of you who have not, prepare to empty your stomaches upon your keyboards! The future is here, faster and more disgusting than we ever imagined.

According to the globe and mail (YUCK!), scientists are now capable of growing meat in a petri dish. That's right, they can grow a slab of steak out of thin air without a cow anywhere in sight.

And you laughed when I wrote about pork moss!

One of the leading scientists in the field dreams of placing a new appliance upon your counter-top, right next to your toaster oven. In honour of EZ-cheeze and the EZ-bake oven, I hereby proclaim that it shall be called the EZ-Meat Oven!

"Home chefs could make meat in a countertop device the size of a coffee maker. Before bed, throw starter cells and a package of growth medium into the meat maker and wake up to harvest fresh sausage for breakfast."

Perhaps you have been completely disgusted and are left without an ouce of gust in your entire body. Perhaps you are so thoroughly nauseated that you can no longer think clearly. Well dear reader, do not fear, I have steeled myself against nausea through years of training. Once, while trapped under the collapsed capstone of an ancient Mayan gateway, I survived for three years, unable to move even far enough to forage for berries, by collecting and eating the maggots that were growing in my own wounds. It is experiences like this that have made me the master of omens that I am.

Immediately upon reading this article I realized that EZ-meat would decimate the cult of vegetarianism. Indeed, do not the dirty vegetarians always propound their ethical arguments?

"Meat is murder!" they say, but it no longer seems to be the case!
"Don't eat me I'm cute," they cry, but what in God's name is cute about a steak that clings to the edges of your sink and continues to grow when you try to throw it out!

Those of you who feel guilty killing living things for your food certainly must agree with me, that EZ meat, while disgusting, would be in a different ethical category.

Listen readers, clearly EZ-meat is the beginning of the end for vegetarians, and it seems clear to me that our Lord and Saviour has promised the people Texas that he will return when they host a BBQ in Jerusalem that is attended by everyone on the planet. What else could explain Texas?

And just when you thought it couldn't get any more disgusting: SHAZAM!!!!

"One group, which he would not name, did offer him money, but they wanted him to grow meat from human cells, so they could grow pieces of themselves to eat."

If this process removes the ethical barriers that keep many people from indulging in the delicious flesh of animals, then why would human EZ-meat be any different?

Chew on that, dear reader, CHEW ON THAT!

Or this:

"In 2003, scientists in the United States announced that they had successfully grown a rabbit penis in the lab."

Yours truly,
Matteus Von Mustard
The Undisgustable Undertaker of the Unfathomable

Neo-con-omics

2006-03-23T11:46:00.000-05:00

If you've been reading the Toronto Star you will have noticed some articles about the plight of Portugese immigrants in Toronto. While the evidence is mostly anecdotal, there is a conviction among members of this community that the rate of deportation has spiked since the Conservatives took over office.

This includes immigrants who originally entered the country illegally or over-stayed various kinds of visas, but who now have jobs and homes and cars and (may or may not) pay income taxes. [Ed. -- The more I read about this, the less clear I am on whether or not these people are paying income taxes] Many people are being deported with only two weeks notice. While there are arguments for deporting people who have entered illegally because it is unfair to people on waiting lists hoping to immigrate legally, even if those arguments are valid it's inhumane to make families pack up their life and leave within two weeks.

What makes this case interesting is the fact that a high-percentage of these immigrants work in the construction industry in various skilled trades. There are shortages of people with these skills in Canada as it is and a number of high-profile developers have made a plea to Mr. Harper to consider the type of amnesty for gainfully employed immigrants that the liberals were considering before they left office. Deporting these people will hurt the economy and yet, the conservatives are going ahead with it anyway. This may seem strange to you, as we typically think of conservatives as being economically and fiscally responsible. However, Stephen Harper is a neo-con (like Harris and Bush) and for neo-cons social issues trump fiscal and economic responsibilities. Harris and Bush both ran up extraordinary deficits and if Canada weren't drowning in oil money right now, Stephen Harper would probably do the same damn thing. The deportation of important workers in a booming economic sector is the first sign of 'moral values' (xenophobia) trumping the economic well-being of Canadians. What's more!, neo-cons are afraid of many things besides foreigners, including gays, women, drugs, atheists and intellectuals -- so they will have lots of opportunities to put our economy at risk to advance their agenda.

Some of you might wonder why this is. What has happened to the conservatives we used to know and love? Never fear dear readers, I shall explain; people are motivated to enter into politics because they have strong feeling about ISSUES. Leftists want to see the fair treatment of the poor and other marginalized members of society. It used to be the case that various taxes, tarrifs, regulations and government policies made it difficult to do business. This was an issue and so people were motivated to run for office to fix it. These were the old-school conservatives.

Now however, the global economic system as a whole runs quite smoothly. Anyone interested in business goes into BUSINESS -- not into government. For this reason the conservative parties are left to pick and choose amongst candidates motivated by social issues. All the intelligent, reasonable right-wing people are picked up by corporations and conservative political parties are basically left with the kids nobody wants on their baseball team. While they may claim to be economically conservative, they are primarily motivated by social issues and when they are forced to choose they will always choose pushing their social agenda over the economic well-being of the country's economy.

Very little would benefit our economy more (especially the tourism industry) than legalizing and taxing marijuana -- and yet what is the likelihood that this will happen with a conservative government? Nothing could be worse for the US debt-crisis than the war in Iraq and yet that's exactly what W. wanted and by lying through his teeth, that's what he got. It is in effect a $300 billion dollar version of rolling up in a saloon and saying "I'm looking for the man who shot my pa."

The strange thing is that liberals have come around to the idea that a strong economy with targeted redistribution of wealth, particularly in the areas of health and education, is actually the best way to help the lower and middle classes. The issues that motivated them to enter into politics demand that they maintain a strong economy and for this reason, they are actually MORE likely than neo-cons to balance the budget and address economic issues. So, in conclusion, if you want an economically responsible government, you should vote Liberal. If that isn't a sign of the apocalypse, I don't know what is. We are indeed living in a brave new world.

_______________________________________________
To be fair, the Conservatives are suggesting that the deportation rate hasn't changed since they took office, but they can't explain why they won't consider the sort of amnesty that the Liberals were planning to put forward.

Iraqtional Thinking

2006-03-20T01:32:00.000-05:00

Dearest readers, those of you who have been paying attention will surely have noted that I enjoy poking fun at American ignorance, I like to pull poll numbers out of a hat (it is of course, a hat filled with the fruits of my rigorous research and study) and show you what the average American believes. Many of you will be surprised to learn that ignorance and unreason are not confined within the borders of America! I merely focus on Americans because they can and do back their ignorance up with the biggest, baddest, best-equipped army in the world.

Today though, I was reading the Globe and Mail and I came across some similar polls regarding the beliefs of the average Iraqi. To numbers in particular caught my eye.

1) Only 13% of Iraqis believe that it is no longer necessary to have US troops in their country. Not so surprising, there is clearly a lot of work left to be done in the so-called rebuilding. Now, let's say that ten percent of Iraqis are undecided on this issue. That means that 77% of Iraqis believe that it is still necessary to have US troops in their country.

Keep this in mind and think about the fact that --

2) 47% of Iraqis approve of the attacks that are being made on US troops by the insurgents.

So, let's be generous and suggest that the entire 13% of Iraqis who believe US troops are no longer necessary also approve of the attacks. That still leaves 34% of Iraqis. And the undecided ten percent, subtract them too. That means that 24% of Iraqis -- one in four -- believe BOTH 1) that the US troops MUST STAY in Iraq AND 2) that the ought to be attacked.

That is like believing both that the steak needs to cook a little longer AND that it will help the steak I pour ice into the barbeque. [In truth both of these statements are false, ice in a barbeque has never helped anyone or anything and steak is always already cooked enough -- so take it off right away.]

I'm not even trying to make a statement here on whether or not US troops should stay or whether or not their is an ethical defense for the insurgency, I'm just saying whatever you choose to believe, for god's sake, at least make the effort to keep your beliefs logically consistent!

George Bush should forget about the war on terror. Terror is the least of our problems, it's idiocy we should be worried about.

I, Matteus Von Mustard, hereby declare an all-out war against idiocy!

Executive Order 13397

2006-03-12T13:23:00.000-05:00

Oh Lordy-Lay! Oh Lordy-Lie! We are in deep deep doo-doo!

Recently Pope George W. issued an "Executive Order" demanding that the Department of Homeland Security set (us) up (the bomb)... i mean set up some sort of sub-department for the sole purpose, i'm not making this up, of coordinating their efforts (presumably to secure the homeland) with the efforts of "faith-based community initiatives."

You can read the entire Executive Order here.

Actually, I'm just going to put the whole thing up for you to peruse. Honestly, if anyone can fathom his intentions, please, please post and help me out. Cause I really can't see what a basement full of church-grannies are going to do for the DHS. Can you even knit kevlar?

Please take a look at Section 3b, which as far as I can understand orders the Homeland Security Department to do whatever is within their power to give "faith-based community initiatives" the opportunity to participate in their activities... such as, I guess, having church choirs jump on the line during wiretaps? Or having priests interogate people at the border?

Please god, honestly, what the hell is he thinking?

___________________________________________________
Executive Order 13397 of March 7, 2006

Responsibilities of the Department of Homeland
Security With Respect to Faith-Based and Community
Initiatives

By the authority vested in me as President by the
Constitution and the laws of the United States of
America, and in order to help the Federal Government
coordinate a national effort to expand opportunities
for faith-based and other community organizations and
to strengthen their capacity to better meet America's
social and community needs, it is hereby ordered as
follows:

Section 1. Establishment of a Center for Faith-Based
and Community Initiatives at the Department of Homeland
Security.

(a) The Secretary of Homeland Security (Secretary)
shall establish within the Department of Homeland
Security (Department) a Center for Faith-Based and
Community Initiatives (Center).
(b) The Center shall be supervised by a Director
appointed by Secretary. The Secretary shall consult
with the Director of the White House Office of Faith-
Based and Community Initiatives (WHOFBCI Director)
prior to making such appointment.
(c) The Department shall provide the Center with
appropriate staff, administrative support, and other
resources to meet its responsibilities under this
order.
(d) The Center shall begin operations no later than
45 days from the date of this order.

Sec. 2. Purpose of Center. The purpose of the Center
shall be to coordinate agency efforts to eliminate
regulatory, contracting, and other programmatic
obstacles to the participation of faith-based and other
community organizations in the provision of social and
community services.

Sec. 3. Responsibilities of the Center for Faith-Based
and Community Initiatives. In carrying out the purpose
set forth in section 2 of this order, the Center shall:

(a) conduct, in coordination with the WHOFBCI
Director, a department-wide audit to identify all
existing barriers to the participation of faith-based
and other community organizations in the delivery of
social and community services by the Department,
including but not limited to regulations, rules,
orders, procurement, and other internal policies and
practices, and outreach activities that unlawfully
discriminate against, or otherwise discourage or
disadvantage the participation of faith-based and other
community organizations in Federal programs;
(b) coordinate a comprehensive departmental effort
to incorporate faith-based and other community
organizations in Department programs and initiatives to
the greatest extent possible;
(c) propose initiatives to remove barriers
identified pursuant to section 3(a) of this order,
including but not limited to reform of regulations,
procurement, and other internal policies and practices,
and outreach activities;
(d) propose the development of innovative pilot and
demonstration programs to increase the participation of
faith-based and other community organizations in
Federal as well as State and local initiatives; and

[[Page 12276]]

(e) develop and coordinate Departmental outreach
efforts to disseminate information more effectively to
faith-based and other community organizations with
respect to programming changes, contracting
opportunities, and other agency initiatives, including
but not limited to Web and Internet resources.

Sec. 4. Reporting Requirements.

(a) Report. Not later than 180 days from the date
of this order and annually thereafter, the Center shall
prepare and submit a report to the WHOFBCI Director.
(b) Contents. The report shall include a
description of the Department's efforts in carrying out
its responsibilities under this order, including but
not limited to:

(i) a comprehensive analysis of the barriers to the full participation of
faith-based and other community organizations in the delivery of social and
community services identified pursuant to section 3(a) of this order and
the proposed strategies to eliminate those barriers; and

(ii) a summary of the technical assistance and other information that will
be available to faith-based and other community organizations regarding the
program activities of the agency and the preparation of applications or
proposals for grants, cooperative agreements, contracts, and procurement.

(c) Performance Indicators. The first report shall
include annual performance indicators and measurable
objectives for Departmental action. Each report filed
thereafter shall measure the Department's performance
against the objectives set forth in the initial report.

Sec. 5. Responsibilities of the Secretary. The
Secretary shall:

(a) designate an employee within the department to
serve as the liaison and point of contact with the
WHOFBCI Director; and
(b) cooperate with the WHOFBCI Director and provide
such information, support, and assistance to the
WHOFBCI Director as requested to implement this order.

Sec. 6. General Provisions. (a) This order shall be
implemented subject to the availability of
appropriations and to the extent permitted by law.

(b) This order is not intended to, and does not,
create any right or benefit, substantive or procedural,
enforceable at law or in equity by a party against the
United States, its agencies, or entities, its officers,
employees, or agents, or any other person.

(Presidential Sig.)B

THE WHITE HOUSE,

March 7, 2006.

Can Bush possibly Gitmo hypocritical?

2006-03-06T10:42:00.000-05:00

Last week the names of the detainees being held in guatanamo bay were finally released. Or at least some of them were. Who really knows, it's not as if the Bush administration has any problems lying to the world.

What I found particularly repulsive about this whole scenario was that the White House was fighting to keep the names secret using precedents from succesful privacy trials.

Let that sink into your head.

They were arguing that it was a violation of these prisoners privacy rights to publish their names.

They steal people from their homes with bags on their heads in the night, fly them in unmarked planes to a military base on the shores of a nation they despise, they torture these people and hold them for years without even charging them with crimes AND THEN they turn around and claim that they are worried about their "right to privacy" when probably the thing these people want most in the world is that their families know what happened to them.

This is the same government that tapped an untold number of its own citizens phones illegally. They even had the legal right to apply for a warrant up to two weeks after they started the wiretap so it's not as if they did it because they had to act quickly on new intelligence. They just didn't give a shit about US law.

This is no longer a question of a government that has different ethical priorities than my own. Bush and Cheney and Rumsfeld and all their little lapdogs have no moral compunctions whatsoever. They believe that international conventions are a joke. They believe that the Law is a game and they are willing to stand up in court and spout brazen lies at the drop of a hat. This is how totalitarianism begins.

And it gets better still, Canada is just about the only developed country that hasn't criticized the Bush administration about the unlawfulness and immorality of Gitmo. In fact, in Afghanistan OUR MILITARY regularily hands people over to the US so that they can bag and drag them out to be tortured in the Caribbean. Every Canadian voter has blood on their hands and Stephen Harper is only going to make things worse. We need to write to our MPs and our Prime Minister and demand a condemnation of Guantanamo bay. Read the article that I have linked above.

APPENDUM -- March 9th 2006
Dear Readers! There is partially good news! I have just received word from my man-in-the-field Rear Admiral Clarence Scorpus that, before handing the reigns to Mr. Harper, Mr. Martin quietly passed a law declaring that Canadian troops would hand over prisoners to the Afghan government and not to the U.S. Unfortunately however, some pessimists believe that in many cases the Afghanis will just hand these prisoners to the US (or execute the Christians and hand the rest over...). Still, it looks like one more decent thing that the Liberals have done for us.

Re-top-secretization

2006-02-20T22:38:00.000-05:00

The NY Times is reporting that since 1999 the US Goverment intelligence has been busy reclassifying documents that Bill Clinton declassified in 1995. This makes sense. After all, the man smoked Mary Juh Wanna. He’s a dirty hippy and he can’t be trusted. What they forgot is that I, Matteus Von Mustard, am the world’s greatest deconstructionist detective – a chaser of erasure and a pimp of the palimpsest!

To give you an idea of how complicated this situation is, the article actually included the following sentence:

If Mr. Leonard finds that documents are being wrongly reclassified, his office could not unilaterally release them, but he could urge a reversal or a revision of the reclassification program.

In some situations the CIA seems to have gone crazy. For example, one file recently re-deemed re-top-secret was an English translation of an article from a very public Belgrade newspaper. Unless I’m mistaken, there are people outside of the CIA who speak both English and Serbian.

For the purposes of top-secrecy, the rest of this text will be in remorse code. What I have written above has been widely ported by spectable remembers of the repress, but what I am about to late to you is more slippery than a banana repeal and more confusing than a broken telephone recall. I know you’re waiting with rebated breath, so I won’t lax. Like Don Quixote in full galia I will sume my request! I will not treat, even if it looks like remission impossible!

Oh. Oh my. I have perhaps replyed myself with too much high-reproof rum. My remain point has slipped my remind. Oh, now I member! Within these stricted ports relies a resign of the apocalypse! See, I never remiss my remark!

That’s enough of that.

While they were declassified, historians made copies of some of the reclassified documents for private collections and by taking note of what the government is making re-top-secret we can get an accurate sense of their plans for the near future. Let me tell you dear readers, it is more terrifying than even I would have imagined--

“Among the 50 withdrawn documents that Mr. Aid found in his own files is a 1948 memorandum on a C.I.A. scheme to float balloons over countries behind the Iron Curtain and drop propaganda leaflets. It was reclassified in 2001.”

Good god? Don’t you see what this means?? IRON ZEPELLINS! Or MAYBE ATOMIC ZEPELLINS dropping MIND-CONTROL LEAFLETS! OR EVEN, god forbid, LED ZEPPELINS dropping BLUES-INSPIRED ROCK RIFFS! AAAGGHH!!! HEAD FOR THE HILLS!

Cartoon Chaos

2006-02-15T17:30:00.000-05:00

Cartoons depicting the prophet Mohammed have been published in newspapers in Europe, most famously in Denmark. One of the cartoons apparently shows Mohammed with a bomb as a hat. I haven't actually seen any of the cartoons, because to be honest, I'm scared shitless that google will sell my search records to Iran and they will nuke my private islands in the Persian Gulf. This would not only be a personal tragedy, but the destruction of my aviaries would likely lead to the extinction of both gryphons and hippogriffs.

Sure, if you knew the guy who drew the cartoon, you would have every right to no longer hold him in high-regard. You could justifiably be cold to him at the office. He doesn't take your religious convictions seriously and he's not a nice guy. But to become so irrationally furious that you attack the embassy of the country where this guy comes from? Let me tell you something; there are assholes in this world and everyday they do things that are much more craven and unforgivable than drawing offensive cartoons -- such as, for example, raping children. Why is this so much more offensive to you?

This sort of over-defensive zeal in regards to religious convictions is not limited to Muslims. Indeed, it is illuminating to compare these protests to the christian fundamentalists who were burning copies of Harry Potter a few years back.

The Harry Potter books were burned because they discussed witchcraft. Who cares? Everyone except for these weirdo fundees took them for what they were -- FICTION! Is your grasp of your own religion really so superficial that it could be threatened by a work of fiction? Are you really worried that people will read Harry Potter and think, oh, this must be true, and stop beleiving in Jesus?!?? Christ, are you an idiot? It almost seems as if the only justification these people have for their entire religion is that it was published in a book and so they get touchy whenever anything contradictory is published. You didn't hear scientists protesting Harry Potter and, let me tell you, some very unscientific things happen in those books -- for example any anthropobotanist worth his salt knows that Mandrakes have been extinct for nearly two hundred years. If you don't see any difference of authourity between your own holy texts and a FICTIONAL CHILDREN'S BOOK then you have a shallow and pathetic spiritual life.

So now, listen up cartoon-protesters and let Matteus set you straight -- many people do not believe in your religion and you will have to accept that if you want to avoid going bonkers. To be fair, your anger is more justified than the anger of the anti-potter wackos, but still, hear me out. If you want to have a proscription within your religion against depicting your god and prophet, that's all well and good, I can see the theological justification and how it will help observant members of your religion, but why you think it would apply to people that don't believe in your religion I'm not sure. Yes, it would be deeply offensive if someone from within your religion were to make offensive stereotypes of the prophet, but you already know that many people don't take your God seriously, so why do these cartoons come as such a shock?

If I truly believed in an all-powerful God who would ensure my salvation, I wouldn't give a flip what some idiotic Danes who are going straight to hell think. If I know the bloody word of God, then their opinions pale infinitely in comparison. If your faith is so strong, these cartoons should be laughable (curious how in this case 'laughable' means the opposite of funny). My mother is a gorgeous and wonderful woman. If someone makes a "yo' mama joke" at her expense, I do not take offense, it slides off my back like water off the back of a duck with water sliding off its back because its a duck. I am not offended by these jokes, because they are so immediately and obviously inaccurate. It is those people who are genuinely uneasy about their mothers' reputations who take offense. If anything, this outpouring of anger is a sign of the weakness of many people's faith, not a testament to its strength.

To Quote the heavy-thinker Mc Lyte:

And I tell all of you like I told all of them
What you say to me is just paper thin

I guess the idea behind the satire was to suggest that all muslims were violent or that islam itself somehow condoned terrorism. To me this seemed pretty idiotic at first, but if you want to convince people that you have been unfairly stereotyped as being violent and uncompromising, the worst thing you can do is to firebomb embassies full of people who were probably also offended by the cartoon.

Until this debacle I had been firmly convinced that the Muslim world was being driven into a corner by the United States and villified in the media, but now I may have to reconsider. Although many of the protests were civil and appropriate and many muslims didn't think the cartoons were worth protesting at all, still, there are way more crazy muslims out there than I ever imagined; so, good work on those protests guys, you really succeeded in providing justification for what, before your protests, were thoughtless and ungrounded stereotypes.

This entire controversy reminds me of a brilliant onion article about Gay Pride parades --
"Gay Pride Parade sets Mainstream Acceptance of Gays back 50 Years." -- which interviews ordinary people watching a gay-pride parade saying things like, 'Well, there's a guy at work who's gay and he always seemed nice, quiet, you know an ordinary stand-up guy, but watching this parade I may have to reconsider, I mean these are sex-crazed weirdos, they're all shouting rude things and wearing leather, bottomless chaps in public. I always thought gay people were so normal too."

Intriguely though, the opinions I have expressed here are not as certain as most of my proclamations. I Matteus Von Mustard am willing to be persuaded. That rocky area where hate speech and free speech overlap is surely the most difficult ethical terrain in the world.

More Ammo to Argue Against Handguns

2006-02-10T14:03:00.000-05:00

Reading the Star today, it turns out that the Boxing Day shooting was done with a gun stolen from a gun collection. Why in God's Name can't people collect replicas? If you said you were a hand grenade collector or a nerve gas collector we wouldn't be so idiotic as to allow you to continue with your hobby no matter how safe you were about it. Collecting handguns is a stupid and dangerous thing to do.

"A 9mm handgun stolen from a southern Ontario gun collector was involved in the Boxing Day shooting that left 15-year-old Jane Creba dead and six others injured." Toronto Star, Feb. 10

Global Warming

2006-02-10T13:28:00.000-05:00

Clearly global warming is going to be a factor in our upcoming apocalypse. And just in case there's anyone out there who someone still thinks it isn't really happening --

"The World Meteorological Organization said late last year that the decade from 1996-2005 contained nine of the 10 warmest years on record."

So of the last ten years, all but ONE of them were hotter than ANY OTHER YEAR since 1850. That ain't a statistical fluke folks.

"Fluke folks." I like the sound of that. I think it will be the name of my first album.

Conservative Cabinet

2006-02-09T12:41:00.000-05:00

Oh boy! The more I read, the more I realize just what a doozy this is.

First off is David Emerson, the liberal cabinet minister who switched sides to become minister of international trade. This is despite the fact that he barely eeked out a victory over the NDP candidate in his riding and the conservatives finished a distant third. He himself suggests that no point of principle influenced his decision. He is refusing to return the $96,000 that his Liberal riding association raised for his campaign.

If you're as offended as I am you can sign this online petition to have him recalled.

Jim Flaherty FINANCE MINISTER -- The number-one goon for Mike Harris. He proposed legislation to throw homeless people found outside of shelters in jail and even suggested the creation of special constables assigned to the homeless. That's right special police to defend us against the most dangerous villains of all -- THE POOR! He ran for the leadership of the Ontario PC's against Ernie Eves on a platform of FURTHER TAX CUTS. Yes, he wanted more TAX CUTS than Mike Harris. He had already sold the 407 to help hide the deficit that Harris was running.

Vic Toews -- MINISTER OF JUSTICE -- Staunchly opposed to gay marraige, Vic Toews plead guilty under the Manitoba Election Finances Act to charges of overspending in the 1999 provincial election. Excellent choice. In his defense, he apparently had difficulty coordinating the spending of two seperate units within his campaign. I'm not sure whether it makes it better or worse that the crime was a result of incompetence.

Gordon O'Connor -- DEFENCE MINISTER -- "Mr. O'Connor, who lobbied government on behalf of a number of companies between 1996 and February of 2004 — including Airbus, which wants the Defence Ministry to buy its A400M tactical airlift planes"(from the globe) is our new minister in charge of choosing what to buy. This is despite the fact that the Conservative Accountability Act criticizes the movement "back and forth" between lobbying positions and elected positions.

Micheal Fortier -- MINISTER OF PUBLIC WORKS -- Micheal Fortier wasn't even elected. In fact he has never been elected for anything. I'm serious! He was a back room boy for the Conservative Party in Montreal, who Harper appointed to the Senate - after all the broo-haha he has kicked up about Senators being elected. He will not be available for questions in the House of Commons. This one is really crazy, it's like Bush appointing Karl Rove for the Supreme Court or something. Micheal Fortier chaired Stephen Harper's leadership bid for the Conservative Party and Co-chaired this year's campaign -- as far as I can tell that is the extent of his political experience.

If this is a sign of how far the Conservatives intend to stray from their promises of being well, conservative, and moderate, well then we're luckily in for a very short-lived minority government.

Best Speech Ever!

2006-02-08T12:25:00.000-05:00

As I mentioned in my previous post, I intend to analyze why the President's speech on Tuesday had a rate of secondary-applause-per-minute that was only 44.5% of what it was in 2002. I submit to you, that the reason is his audience's inability to recognize oratorial genius. For Bush to present himself as a strong, reasonable and decisive leader in 2002, in light of the September 11th attacks and his invasion of Afghanistan was simple enough, but for him to manage to do the same thing this week after four years of utter ineptitude required a display of semantic gymnastics the likes of which have never before been seen on this earth.

Even before the speech began, Bush's minions were at work. W. had invited Cindy Sheehan, a pro-peace activist who lost her son in Iraq, to attend the speech. Not surprisingly, she wore a t-shirt listing the number of US soldiers who had died so far. She was arrested. Obviously the charges were dropped immediately after the speech, because well, there's no law against wearing a t-shirt with a number on it. This might seem ethically questionable, however, Bush's goons also arrested the wife of a congressman who was wearing a tshirt which said "Support our Troops" at the same time. As a result, they made the intentions behind the arrests so complicated and inexplicable that they were difficult to criticize because of their sheer incomprehensibility. This would be the theme of Bush's speech.

In the opening lines of this State of the Union address, President Bush created, in my eyes, perhaps the greatest-ever euphemism for cataclysmic disaster, when he described his time in office as "one of the most consequential periods of our history." Unfortunately, congress did not recognize the brilliance of this obfuscatorial feat and failed to applaud. Considering that Bush has presided over the quagmire that is Iraq, the collapse of the Auto Industry, Hurricane Katrina and the proliferation of nuclear weapons in Iran, to proudly take credit for the consequences of his actions in this manner takes an amount of chutzpah not possessed by all the Jewish grandsons in New York City. And just to show us that this was no idle slip of the tongue, he concluded his speech with the phrase "Fellow citizens, we've been called to leadership in a period of consequence."

When Bush declared that "On September the 11th, 2001, we found that problems originating in a failed and oppressive state 7,000 miles away could bring murder and destruction to our country," congress once again failed to applaud. Perhaps this is because the members of congress are at least partially-educated and took him to be referring to Afghanistan. The brilliance that they failed to see is this: Bush knows full well that half the American people still believe Saddam Hussein was responsible for the terrorist attacks that took place on September 11th and he certainly does not want to dissuade them of this idea. However, he also recognizes that anyone with a functional brain knows this is a lie and so, he makes this ingeniously vague statement. Look at it. It's not even clear what country he's referring to! Certainly Iraq and Afghanistan are about the right distance away, and they're both pretty thoroughly failed and oppressive. But considering that 15 of the 19 hijackers came from Saudi Arabia and considering the imprecision of the word 'failed,' he could easily be referring to Saudi Arabia as well. So this one sentence is both a heinous perpetuation of America's ignorance AND the most refreshingly candid thing Bush has ever said about his family's long-time allies in the oil cartel.

At other times, he took responsibility for achievements that clearly were not his.
"In recent years, America has become a more hopeful nation. Violent crime rates have fallen to their lowest levels since the 1970s. Welfare cases have dropped by more than half over the past decade. Drug use among youth is down 19 percent since 2001. There are fewer abortions in America than at any point in the last three decades." This statement is particularly awesome for a pro-life president to make following the release of Freakonomics which proved statistically that the leading cause in the recent drop in crime was the legalization of abortion in the 70's.

On a number of occasions Bush simply stated the exact opposite of the truth with such certainty and confidence as to be convincing --

"Our government has a responsibility to provide health care for the poor and the elderly, and we are meeting that responsibility." I guess if he means the legislated responsibilities of the state which he hasn't yet unlegislated, then yes, the government is meeting these responsibilities.

Or twisted the truth, with clever little adjectives like "non-security" --

"Every year of my presidency, we've reduced the growth of non-security discretionary spending, and last year you passed bills that cut this spending." The balls that it takes to present himself as somehow fiscally responsible when the budget deficit has reached a new record during EVERY SINGLE YEAR of his presidency is astounding. Congress should have applauded like a thousand missile-strikes on Pakistani villages.

Bush's bold-faced lies were not restricted to factual matters where he might hope that his listeners were uninformed, indeed he made abstract claims of such a profoundly illogical nature that their veracity could be disproved with nothing but a dictionary and common sense --

"There is no peace in retreat." As far as I understand peace, at least one warring party HAS TO retreat or surrender. The idea that one could somehow achieve peace by pressing ever-forward into war is a spectacular feat of absurdity unequaled even by Beckett or Ionesco. Applause!

"Freedom is on the march." A march is a military walk, a lock-step precision which binds a group of people to a single rhythm contrary to their desires or personal idiosyncracies. I'm pretty sure that freedom gambols or at the very least traipses. It certainly never marches.

I, Matteus Von Mustard, declare the most recent State of the Union address to be THE greatest speech of all time, because Bush has taken Orwellian double-speak out of the pages of our greatest fiction and into the Oval Office with a panache and gusto that many would have considered impossible.

APPENDUM:

You may remember my analysis of the last State of the Union Address in which I stated that Bush had lost all sense of the meaning of the word freedom and that the speech made more sense if one replaced instances of that term with the word America. For extra credit, please consider the following excerpts in light of that theory:

"No one can deny the success of freedom, but some men rage and fight against it."
"We're continuing reconstruction efforts, and helping the Iraqi government to fight corruption and build a modern economy, so all Iraqis can experience the benefits of freedom."
"Freedom is on the march."

Appointment leads to Disappointment

2006-02-08T11:43:00.000-05:00

My conviction that George W. is the worst president of all time grows stronger every day. Not only are his political beliefs out in space, but he is fundamentally incompetent as a leader. In part, this is because of his beliefs, which severely limit the pool of people who will work for him.

Now we have, only a few months after the fiasco with Brownie, where a horse-breeder was installed as the head of FEMA at the cost of hundreds of human lives, a Bush appointee at NASA resigning on the day that news reports are published that he doesn't actually have the university degree he mentioned on his resume! Why couldn't Bush get a real scientist? Because he asked the man to claim that climate change was a myth and that the Big Bang was just a theory, and very few people have managed to succeed in a scientific program of study while still believing these right-wing folk tales.

from the nytimes:

"George C. Deutsch, the young presidential appointee at NASA who told public affairs workers to limit reporters' access to a top climate scientist and told a Web designer to add the word "theory" at every mention of the Big Bang, resigned yesterday, agency officials said.

Mr. Deutsch's resignation came on the same day that officials at Texas A&M University confirmed that he did not graduate from there, as his résumé on file at the agency asserted."

State of Union 9.5% less laudable than in 2002!

2006-02-02T14:45:00.000-05:00

Those of you who have been following the media closely as of late will perhaps have seen various talking heads discussing the ins-and-outs of what W. said during his speech on Tuesday. These men and women have completed missed the point. If polling has taught us anything, it is that every aspect of the political system worth discussing is easily quantifiable. With this in mind, I, Matteus Von Mustard, present you with the applause-per-minute method of dissecting the State of the Union address. I would like to extend a hearty thank-you to the Whitehouse.gov website for including all instances of applause in their transcript of the speech.

In this week's State of the Union Address W. received applause only 66 times. In 2002, congress applauded him a stunning 73 times. Some might argue that the difference is not so great. However if we remember that even a trained monkey could say something laudable once per minute, we realize that only those applause in excess of one per minute are worth noting. This year Bush received applause at a rate of only 1.269 times per minute, while in 2002 he was applauded 1.604 times per minute!
These means that the rate of secondary applause per minute in this year's address was only of 44.5% what it was in 2002.

In 2002 Bush delivered a shorter speech and still received more applause. He sometimes even received applause for mere sentence fragments because the things he was saying were so mind-blowing laudable that congress couldn't wait until he got to a period. In 2002 Bush was really on top of his game and received applause for such seemingly unlaudable statements as:

--"My economic security plan can be summed up in one word: jobs. (Applause.)"
It seems to me plans ought to be significantly more complicated than this. However congress proved me wrong.

--"Last year, some in this hall thought my tax relief plan was too small; some thought it was too big. (Applause.)" I'm assuming that, at this point, Congress was applauding the value of a healthy difference of opinion in democracy.

--"Our budget will run a deficit that will be small and short-term, so long as Congress restrains spending and acts in a fiscally responsible manner. (Applause.)" What's better than a budget deficit? NOTHING! HUZZAH!

--"My budget includes the largest increase in defense spending in two decades -- because while the price of freedom and security is high, it is never too high. Whatever it costs to defend our country, we will pay. (Applause.)" PAYING! YES! WE LOVE IT!!! MAKE US PAY BUSHIE, MAKE US PAY!

In 2002, Mr. Bush also received applause for taking decisive action when other countries were "timid in the face of terror," for the existence of the military prison at Guantanamo Bay and for his belief that September 11th "brought out the best in America."

This year, the applause were more measured and in my next post I will take a look at why.

A little treat for my readers

2006-01-28T13:57:00.000-05:00

Hark!

I have decided to give all of you a taste of my profound genius! It is not a sign of the apocalypse and indeed it will prove quite profitable for the first of my readers to seize upon the idea and bring it into being.

Listen!

What are the three most popular things in the world?

Clearly they are hiphop, the ipod, and ihop. Who would disagree? Some have doubted the third item in the list, but realize that not only is it a HOUSE of PANCAKES, but lo, that HOUSE is INTERNATIONAL!

NOW LOOK, these tripinnacles of popularism are unbalanced; a fourth corner is required in the great square of total market domination.

Thus I assert to you my reader, that the first man woman or child to develop and market a HIP-POD will become an instant trillionaire!
__________
___IPOD___
IHOP_HIPPOD
__HIPHOP__
__________

Matteus has spoken.

How? Guh? WHUZZAaaAH?!?!

2006-01-19T11:38:00.000-05:00

This is from today's Globe. People have gone absolutely bonkers. Plum-raving-loco!

"55 per cent of Tory voters would opt for the NDP if their party falters!!!"

What? WHUZZAH? What the hell are you voting about? This can only mean that 55% of tory voters are voting against the liberals without a thought in their head about what will happen if the Conservatives get elected.

Dear Canada,

Go to your room to think about what you've just said! You're not allowed to come down and vote until you've thought of a sensible explanation for your choices!

With Love,
Your Uncle Travelling Matt

Clearly they aren't enticed by tory tax-cuts or mad about gay marriage. Are they in favour of missile defense? The war in Iraq? Fiscal restraint? Are they worried about the environment and Health Care?!?!? VITRIOL!

Jack Layton has vowed that should the Conservatives win the election they will face "an unprecedented" battle in parliament against the NDP trying to pass their legislation. This is despite the fact that Jack could probably win more votes if he claimed he would be able to cooperate with a Conservative minority.

A SHORT PLAY
by Matteus Von Mustard

ME: "So your first choice is Stephen Harper and your second choice is a man who is has vowed to fight tooth and nail to thwart his every move."
VOTER: "Yeah, you know, one or the other, they both seem to represent my views well. "
ME: "You can't vote like that! Go read a fucking newspaper! That's like saying I'm voting for Lex Luthor, but if he pulls out, I'm sure Superman would do a good job too. I just don't want to see that Clark Kent guy in power anymore."
VOTER: "Lex Luthor is running? Ooh, he'd be good. He's got that mask and the cape and the gaspy breathing."
ME: "What? No. That's Darth Vader."
VOTER: "He's in the senate right?"
ME: {goes home, puts gotterdammerung in the phonograph, pours a glass of scotch and begins to weep softly along with the music}
VOTER: {having followed me home, the voter is now standing at the window looking in} What is that? Opera? Yuck. The only good opera I've ever seen is Cats.
ME: Release the hounds. {smiles, sips scotch, watches voter stumble through brambles trying to make it back to the front gates -- they are electrified}
ME: {quietly} Weialala leia, wallala leialala.

Stephen Harper! EEK!

2006-01-12T23:38:00.000-05:00

Certainly I pride myself on my rationality! And certainly there are worse things going on in the world than Stephen Harper's lead in the polls, however, I feel we all have a right to get a little emotionally bent out of shape when things hit close to home. Our home and native land.

Not for long if Stephen Harper takes up the reins.

For one, he announced today that he would overturn a recent deal between the federal government and native groups. The deal is already something of an insult to a people from whom we stole everything we have and who we are now allowing to sink into social and economic turmoil without batting an eye. Stephen Harper would take back what little we have already given them. Talk about Indian Giving!

For two, he announced today that he would pull out of the Kyoto Accord. We were failing to make our quotas under the liberals but at least we were trying. To pull out of Kyoto is appalling and shows an utter disrespect towards our children and grandchildren and towards those poor countries struggling to meet their own quotas while we roll around in our wealth and proclaim we can't afford to protect the environment.

For three, DEEP INTEGRATION WITH THE UNITED STATES! Under NAFTA US companies who invest in water exporting will have their investments protected against any laws we might pass. This needs to be changed and soon. Do you think Harper will be the one to slap their hands back? Not in a million years. In fact, in Parliament he criticized Chretien for opposing the US missile defense plan and for signing the world ban on landmines despite US misgivings. Landmines?!?!? LANDMINES?!?!??! Of all the things in the world that are most obviously a bad idea landmines ranks number three (after spray-on cheese and pissing on an electric fences). I'm pretty sure Darth Fucking Vader thinks landmines are cruel and unnecessary.

If Stephen Harper can't work up the nerve to tell Bush that landmines are a bad idea, then how can we expect him to stand up to the US on anything???

I beg of you take these rational munitions into your arsenal and move out quickly. Talk to the people you know and love who are considering voting conservative. Do so with respect and patience. There are good reasons to be angry with liberals. There are good reasons to vote conservative. Perhaps however these facts about Harper will help you to persuade people that, all things considered, electing Stephen Harper would be a calamitous, catastrophic and apocalyptical cataclysm of an eschatological tenor. It would also be dire, doleful, dreadful, disastrous, destructive, devastating, decimating and dastardly. Also doom.

Scared Shitless,
The Right Honourable
Matteus Von Mustard

Pick Your Poison

2005-12-23T15:12:00.000-05:00

READERS!

I am also a reader! But not of my own words, that would be arrogant and self-indulgent, as soon as my words leave my lips (matthew types) I never deign to look upon them again, grammar be dammared!

But Lo, the book that I am reading is entitled The Paradox of Choice and indeed it is a sign of the apocalypse. It lays out in intricate detail all the tics and tocs of the decision-making-apparatus we call the mind, and yet, although we are smart enough to see very clearly how and why we make bad decisions we will continue to make them unto oblivion.

I highly recommend this book to anyone who makes decisions and particularily to anyone in business. It is astounding. It explains for example why money-back gaurantees work. It tells us that while people will usually choose $100 over a coin-flip chance for $200, they will usually choose a coin-flip chance to lose $200 over a gauranteed loss of $100. How weird is that? The book is chock-full of delightful psychological studies like this and makes an overall argument about how the increasing amount of choice available to us is actually making us less happy because we are very poor at deciding things in our own favour.

I highly recommend it to all my readers.

There are 29 copies in the toronto public library system and there are currently 21 holds, which means if you put it on hold at your nearest branch you will get a call in a week or two telling you it is available for pick-up.

Reality Television Finally Defeats Reality

2005-11-25T14:15:00.000-05:00

We are all well aware that the scenarios and events in reality television are for the most part scripted and the only sense in which they are real is that the dialogue involves a little ad-libbing and people are actually fired when the script declares them to be fired. Although this is a little ridiculous, it really is nothing more than idiotic entertainment so who cares?

TV channels also prepare scripts to help them cover real events such as hurricanes, sports games and parades. These events usually have a relatively predictable schema and a script can be prepared with a few grey areas to account for the occasional failures of the real world to live up to the standards of tv broadcasters. Again fair enough.

But what happens when one of these scripted events really fucks up and stuns the nielsen-obsessed choreographers in the control room?

Well that's exactly what happened this weekend during the NYC Hot-air Balloon Thanksgiving Parade (i've decline to use the name of the corporate sponsor).

One of the balloons had a disastrous encounter with a telephone pole that injured several spectators. As a result it did not cross the finish line where the camera's were rolling and the announcers were performing their carefully scripted sacharine gibbering.

Luckily I have an informant who was in the control room at the time and has transcribed the program directors reaction. Keep in mind that they did know that there had been a serious accident.

"We can't have fifteen second of empty air-time? And we certainly can't mention a disaster in connection with any of our divine and infallible corporate sponsors! WHAT IF PEOPLE CHANGE THE CHANNNEL!??!??!? AAAAAGGHHH!!!!"

At this point the father of three commited ritual suicide and his position was taken up by the sub-director, who decided, i'm not making this up, to run footage of the same balloon crossing the finish line in last year's parade!

Thank god the good people of the New York Times were on their toes and saw the discrepancy between reality and television. But what would have been the result had a terrorist set off a suitcase nuke and wiped all of NYC of the map? Would the networks have run all of last year's parade to prevent widespread panic and a decline in shopping? Who knows maybe the patriots lost the superbowl last year and it was deemed unamerican and replaced with computer-generated footage of them winning? How are we to know?

As a doomologist, what bothers me most is not so much that this happened, but that it would occur to someone in broadcasting to do this. It demonstrates the extent to which scripting and ratings have taken priority in their minds over the truth. What this event tells us is that in such a situation broadcasters cannot accept that the script has failed. Instead the believe that reality has failed to match the script and must be altered.

Their are dark, matrixy days ahead of us if this is how the comptrollers of the world media think.

Here's the first few paragraphs of the NYtimes article:

NBC did not interrupt its broadcast of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade yesterday to bring viewers the news that an M&M balloon had crashed into a light pole, injuring two sisters.

In fact, when the time came in the tightly scripted three-hour program for the M&Ms' appearance, NBC weaved in tape of the balloon crossing the finish line at last year's parade - even as the damaged balloon itself was being dragged from the accident scene. At 11:47 a.m., as an 11-year-old girl and her 26-year-old sister were being treated for injuries, the parade's on-air announcers - Katie Couric, Matt Lauer and Al Roker - kept up their light-hearted repartee from Herald Square, where the parade ends.

"Will these classic candymen get out of this delicious dilemma?" Mr. Roker asked, referring not to the accident but to the premise of the attraction, a red M&M's attempt to save his yellow counterpart, who had been blown from the basket of a hot-air balloon.

VERITAS!

2005-11-04T14:05:00.000-05:00

A sign of hope! I thought that this blog, humanities only hope of survival, was about to succumb to a torrentous inundation of comment spam, but then, lo and furthermore behold, blogger.com informed me that I ought to "turn on word verification!" WORD! VERIFIED! My nipples explode with delight!

How Sweet It Is!!!

2005-10-28T16:16:00.000-04:00

Oh lord a darker omen I cannot imagine. Read on and shudder in terror at the horrible doom that is about to befall New York City!

Quoted from the New York Times:

Good Smell Perplexes New Yorkers

By KAREEM FAHIM
Published: October 28, 2005

An unseen, sweet-smelling cloud drifted through parts of Manhattan last night. Arturo Padilla walked through it and declared that it was awesome.

"It's like maple syrup. With Eggos. Or pancakes," he said. "It's pleasant."

The odor had followed Mr. Padilla and his friend along their walk in Lower Manhattan, from a dormitory on Fulton Street, to Pace University on Spruce Street, and back down again, to where they stood now, near a Dunkin' Donuts. Maybe it was from there, he said. But it wasn't.

Mr. Padilla was not alone. Reports of the syrupy cloud poured in from across Manhattan after 9 p.m. Some feared that it was something sinister.

There were so many calls that the city's Office of Emergency Management coordinated efforts with the Police and Fire Departments, the Coast Guard and the City Department of Environmental Protection to look into it.

By 11 p. m., the search had turned up nothing harmful, according to tests of the air. Reports continued to come in from as far north as 112th Street shortly before midnight. In Lower Manhattan, where the smell had begun to fade, it was back, stronger than before, by 1 a.m.

"We are continuing to sample the air throughout the affected area to make sure there's nothing hazardous," said Jarrod Bernstein, an emergency management spokesman. "What the actual cause of the smell is, we really don't know."

There were conflicting accounts as to its nature. A police officer who had thrown out her French vanilla coffee earlier compared it to that. Two diplomats from the Netherlands disagreed, politely. Rieneke Buisman said it smelled like roasted peanuts. Her friend Joris Geeven said it reminded him of a Dutch cake called peperkoek, though he could not describe that smell.